Bryan and Miranda

And if you look to your left..

2010-01-09T15:09:00.003-06:00

.. you'll see my New Year's Resolutions. I felt I needed to post them "in public" for better motivation to meet my own goals. These are things that may seem somewhat silly and unimportant to others, but it means something to me. I'm not saying that being able to paint my fingernails defines the kind of person that I am, but I guess more than anything, I want to prove to myself that I can do it. Once you finish taking a gander at my goals, you may proceed to the second paragraph.

I know, I'm such a nerd. But anyway, in the next week, I plan to be ovulating, if my calculations are correct. ::woop woop:: I must say though, that my goal to "relax, and trust God more" is very much "in general." By that, I want to stress less, take fewer pregnancy tests, laugh more.. I don't know, tons of things that I feel like I can't do with anxiety tagging along.

As a living, I sell and service insurance policies. Daily, I talk about auto, homeowners, life, health, and other insurance policies. My spiel on life insurance includes the following: "The thing about life insurance (against others) is that it's not a matter of if you need to file a life insurance claim, it's when you do. Everyone will die from this earth one day.. that's certain." Well the other day, during a life insurance discussion with a coworker, I found myself literally freezing up at the thought of "Oh my God, I'm going to die one day! Oh my God, I'm going to die!" This probably sounds crazy but it has been weighing on my mind heavily ever since. I've been in the insurance industry for going on 4 years now, learning and talking about life insurance, and just the other day, I became so terrified of my own death. I didn't even get this shook up when I purchased my own life insurance policy. Why now? Anxiety, a reoccuring foe of mine.

So to Anxiety, I say:
Anxiety, I don't want to be "friends" anymore! You're not welcome in my life any longer. By the way, I hate your friends Worry and Depression that you always bring with you! One day, I plan on meeting real, good friends named Self-Worth, Happiness, and Peace, and I can't have you in the way and holding me back. I've spent way too long letting you make all the decisions and I'm done!

Whew.. now that I have that off of my chest, I'm going to spend the rest of the day with my husband.

For the Custom of Women is Upon Me

2009-12-17T09:58:00.003-06:00

Yay!! I know this is probably a weird post for you to read, but I just can't help but to be so thankful that my body is working. The Lord is answering my prayers. I've had doctors tell me that I am incapable of ovulating on my own without medications. I can't even remember the last time I had a visit from Aunt Flo that was not induced by medication. I am officially able to ovulate without medication.. which means, I CAN get pregnant. I realize that most people would not put this on their blog, but I don't care. It is definitely a wonderful day for me!

1 Samuel 1

2009-11-24T10:07:00.005-06:00

So I have to admit that I got a little behind on my bible reading. Last night, as I was trying to catch back up, I read 1 Samuel 1. If you're interested, it's about Hannah and how God opened her womb to have a baby boy. I was really touched by this story. Oh and by the way, I've read Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Dueteronomy, Joshua, Judges, and Ruth and I'm working on 1 Samuel.

* * * The Birth of Samuel * * *
1 There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite.
2 He had two wives; one was called Hannah and the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had none.
3 Year after year this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the LORD Almighty at Shiloh, where Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli, were priests of the LORD.
4 Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters.
5 But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the LORD had closed her womb.
6 And because the LORD had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her.
7 This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the LORD, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat.
8 Elkanah her husband would say to her, "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?"
9 Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on a chair by the doorpost of the LORD's temple.
10 In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD.
11 And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."
12 As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth.
13 Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk
14 and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine."
15 "Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD.
16 Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."
17 Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him."
18 She said, "May your servant find favor in your eyes." Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
19 Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her.
20 So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the LORD for him."

* * * Hannah Dedicates Samuel * * *
21 When the man Elkanah went up with all his family to offer the annual sacrifice to the LORD and to fulfill his vow,
22 Hannah did not go. She said to her husband, "After the boy is weaned, I will take him and present him before the LORD, and he will live there always."
23 "Do what seems best to you," Elkanah her husband told her. "Stay here until you have weaned him; only may the LORD make good his word." So the woman stayed at home and nursed her son until she had weaned him.
24 After he was weaned, she took the boy with her, young as he was, along with a three-year-old bull, an ephah of flour and a skin of wine, and brought him to the house of the LORD at Shiloh.
25 When they had slaughtered the bull, they brought the boy to Eli,
26 and she said to him, "As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the LORD.
27 I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.
28 So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." And he worshiped the LORD there.

Thank You for Holding, this is Miranda..

2009-11-01T14:42:00.004-06:00

Oh how I've so much to blog about! I know I've been a lazy blogger lately, but I've had so much going on. This weekend, I finally took time to spend with my band.. you know my Guitar Hero XBox band. :) I love that game!! I pretend like I'm good at it and I get to really dancing around and then Bryan walks in and I stand up straight and act like I wasn't just dancing like an idiot. I overheard Pat (our friend) say the other day, "Miranda takes this way too seriously." Haha!
So, I have a new job. Not by choice, I have been actively putting out resumes to find a new occupation. The Agent that I work for (did work for) advised us on October 1st that she would be retiring at the end of the month requiring that all staff prepare for new jobs starting in November. Some took an early retirement, but the rest have all found something new. So Friday was my last day at her office. There were a lot of tears shed, but we are all so blessed to have something else lined up. We had a really nice dinner at Bonefish Wednesday night and Friday was our last day. Although, I am sad to not be with the people that I have grown to love, I am excited about what happens next.
So I have to tell you about my new job. Starting tomorrow, I am going to be at an independent agency that specializes in homeowners and auto insurance. I am going to keep up my Life, Health, and Variable Annuity License, but I won't really need it here. He is basically a one-man show who needs someone in the office while he sells outside the office. I'll be doing everything from answering phones and filing to selling and servicing. I'm really excited about the diversity and independence of the job. I have three years of insurance experience, but this independent agency is a first for me. We'll see what happens.

So since I haven't been on any medications since we decided to quit the fertility treatments, I can feel the difference in my body. I've put on about 4 pounds, my face has been breaking out again, and I've been extremely fatigued. I took about a two hour nap yesterday and today. Normally, I can't handle too much caffeine and I've had coffee almost every morning during the week. Who knows.. maybe it's all in my head. I thought that the custom of women was upon me at one time, (haha) but turns out, I was wrong.. so that sucks. I've taken 3 pregnancy tests in the last month, all signs point to "NEGATIVE! - That's what you get for not treating your PCOS!" PCOS symptoms are very similar to those of pregnancy. Oh and the other day I took an ovulation test (which was also negative) and as I put the box back under the sink, (it comes as a multipack kit) I read something along the lines of "Women with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) may receive unclear results from this test." I was like.. "Well great! Baby, listen to this!" We should really buy stock in the ClearBlue Company.

So the best part of my day today is definitely that it is mine and Bryan's *One Year Anniversary! No, no special plans today, but I can't believe that it has been a year already! I love him with all of my heart and I feel so blessed to have him in my life. We are just hanging out at home together today, but he's watching the race, so I took a minute to catch up on this thing. He woke me up this morning and the first thing he said was "Wake up sleepy head." and as I was opening my eyes, "Happy Anniversary!" It was so sweet. It came up on us fast it feels like, but I don't feel at all like it was a hard year. I've heard that the first year of marriage is the hardest, but I don't feel like that's the case with Bryan and I. I mean, other people and circumstances have been hard on us, but we have worked together like a team and became stronger through it all. Thank you Bryan. I love you with every part of me.. forever and always.

Dalton Cole

2009-09-23T18:16:00.010-05:00

Please accept my sincere apologies (so articulate, huh? lol) for not blogging about this sooner. Dalton Cole, my nephew, is finally here! He was born the morning of September 10th weighing in at 6 pounds 14 ounces. Enjoy the photos, he's so cute!

My brother, Cory and his girlfriend, Ashley.

Cory picked out Dalton, Ashley picked out Cole.

She looks great for just having a c-section!

I am the proud photographer of this one! In the hospital, the first time Cory held him. Dalton came out with a mohawk and Cory has one too. This was priceless.

We love Ashley and are so glad to have her apart of our family.

This was actually taken in the back room before my wedding.

Dancing in the rain. This is just too sweet!!

2nd Cycle - 5th Appointment

2009-09-08T19:25:00.006-05:00

= 2nd failed cycle of Clomid. I must say that although I'm a little bummed that it didn't work, I'm also strangely relieved in a sense. I walked out of there today with a new found freedom, I guess you could say.

Although a baby is something that I want so badly, I'm not very well at performing under pressure. When it comes to the treatment, there is a lot of pressure to get your body working in time to not disappoint your spouse, your family, your bank account and yourself. I am learning that God is the ultimate controller of how things work regardless of how much we stress about it. [But it's just so hard to let things go that mean so much to you.] I'm learning though.

Anyway, we have decided to hold off on treatments until the first of the year while I will not be on any medication. Yes, that includes birth control. I've been on and off of it since I was 15 years old to treat my PCOS, so can you see how I feel somewhat free? Mrs. Terri said that if I have not had a cycle on my own by December, to call and she can prescribe some Progesterone (hormone) to help shed the lining of my uterus.. for the custom of women to be upon me at that time. :)

What is PCOS?

2009-09-05T19:58:00.002-05:00

Courtesy of WedMD.com

What is polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)?
Polycystic ovary syndrome (say "pah-lee-SIS-tik OH-vuh-ree SIN-drohm") is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS may also cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it is not treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease. Polycystic ovary syndrome (or PCOS) is common, affecting as many as 1 in 15 women. Often the symptoms begin in the teen years. Treatment can help control the symptoms and prevent long-term problems.

What are hormones, and what happens in PCOS?
Hormones are chemical messengers that trigger many different processes, including growth and energy production. Often, the job of one hormone is to signal the release of another hormone.For reasons that are not well understood, in PCOS the hormones get out of balance. One hormone change triggers another, which changes another. This makes a vicious circle of out-of-balance hormones. For example: The sex hormones get out of balance. Normally, the ovaries make a tiny amount of male sex hormones (androgens). In PCOS, they start making slightly more androgens. This may cause you to stop ovulating, get acne, and grow extra facial and body hair. The body may have a problem using insulin, called insulin resistance. When the body doesn't use insulin well, blood sugar levels go up. Over time, this increases your chance of getting diabetes.

What are the symptoms?
Symptoms tend to be mild at first. You may have only a few symptoms or a lot of them. The most common symptoms are: Acne. Weight gain and trouble losing weight. Extra hair on the face and body. Often women get thicker and darker facial hair and more hair on the chest, belly, and back. Thinning hair on the scalp. Irregular periods. Often women with PCOS have fewer than nine periods a year. Some women have no periods. Others have very heavy bleeding. Fertility problems. Many women with PCOS have trouble getting pregnant (infertility). Depression. Most women with PCOS grow many small cysts on their ovaries. That is why it is called polycystic ovary syndrome. The cysts are not harmful, but lead to hormone imbalances.

What causes PCOS?
The symptoms of PCOS are caused by changes in hormone levels. There may be one or more causes for the hormone level changes. PCOS seems to run in families, so your chance of having it is higher if other women in your family have PCOS, irregular periods, or diabetes. PCOS can be passed down from either your mother's or father's side.

How is PCOS diagnosed?
To diagnose PCOS, the doctor will: Ask questions about your past health, symptoms, and menstrual cycles. Do a physical exam to look for signs of PCOS, such as extra body hair and high blood pressure. The doctor will also check your height and weight to see if you have a healthy body mass index (BMI). Do a number of lab tests to check your blood sugar, insulin, and other hormone levels. Hormone tests can help rule out thyroid or other gland problems that could cause similar symptoms. You may also have a pelvic ultrasound to look for cysts on your ovaries. Your doctor may be able to tell you that you have PCOS without an ultrasound, but this test will help him or her rule out other problems.

How is it treated?
Regular exercise, healthy foods, and weight control are key treatments for PCOS. Medicines to balance hormones may also be used. Getting treatment can reduce unpleasant symptoms and help prevent long-term health problems. The first step in managing PCOS is to get regular exercise and eat heart-healthy foods. This can help lower blood pressure and cholesterol and reduce the risk of diabetes and heart disease. It can also help you lose weight if you need to. Try to fit in moderate activity and/or vigorous activity on a regular basis. Walking is a great exercise that most people can do. Eat a heart-healthy diet. In general, this diet has lots of vegetables, fruits, nuts, beans, and whole grains. It also limits foods that are high in saturated fat, such as meats, cheeses, and fried foods. If you have blood sugar problems, try to eat about the same amount of carbohydrate at each meal. A registered dietitian can help you make a meal plan. Most women with PCOS can benefit from losing weight. Even losing 10lb may help get your hormones in balance and regulate your menstrual cycle. PCOS can make it hard to lose weight, so work with your doctor to make a plan that can help you succeed. If you smoke, consider quitting. Women who smoke have higher androgen levels that may contribute to PCOS symptoms. Smoking also increases the risk for heart disease.

A doctor may also prescribe medicines, such as: Birth control pills. They can help your periods be regular and can reduce symptoms such as excess facial hair and acne. An androgen-lowering medicine, spironolactone, may be used with birth control pills to help reduce symptoms even more. These medicines are not used if you are trying to get pregnant. A diabetes medicine called metformin. It can help control insulin and blood sugar levels and reduce androgen levels. This lowers your risk for diabetes and heart disease and can help restore regular menstrual cycles and fertility. Fertility medicines, if you are trying to get pregnant. It is important to see your doctor for follow-up to make sure treatment is working and adjust it if needed. You may also need regular tests to check for diabetes, high blood pressure, and other possible problems. It may take a while for treatments to help with symptoms such as facial hair or acne. In the meantime: Over-the-counter or prescription acne medicines may help with skin problems. Waxing, tweezing, and shaving are easy ways to get rid of unwanted hair. Electrolysis or laser treatments can permanently remove the hair but are more expensive. Your doctor can also prescribe a skin cream that slows hair growth for as long as you use it regularly.

It can be hard to deal with having PCOS. If you are feeling sad or depressed, it may help to talk to a counselor or to other women who have PCOS. Ask your doctor about local support groups, or look for an online group. It can make a big difference to know that you are not alone.

Just Being Honest

2009-09-05T18:00:00.007-05:00

I've been thinking about posting this for about a month or so now but I didn't want it to come across in the wrong way. I appreciate ALL kind words of encouragement, and I especially appreciate ALL that are willing to even listen; it means so much to me. I also think that unless you go through infertility, you never really understand. Please know that I'm just being honest in my approach for better understanding on what is running through this brain of mine during all of this. I've noticed that with a lot of people I talk to, I get some of the same responses or questions and I know everyone is just trying to be nice so here is your personal invite into my world.

- "You'll get pregnant when the time is right and when God knows you're ready."

When the time is right, I believe that as well; BUT are you telling me that God thinks that kids are more capable than I am. I'm not saying that I deserve a baby any more than the next person but what about the people who don't have their shit together like me? What about the people who resort to abortion as a form of birth control? We're married, have a home, great jobs, and well capable and ready to have a child. Sometimes, I feel more so than some others.. yes. Just being honest. I'm not saying that if your not married or have the things that we are blessed with that you shouldn't have kids.. that's up to you. I'm just saying that I don't see how we're NOT ready.

- "Just enjoy your time together, you haven't been married a year yet."

Again, this is true. However, we've been together for about 5 years (since I was 16) and we've lived together for 4 years. This whole time, we've had unprotected sex (more than you wanted to know?) and I've only had one positive pregnancy test which ended in miscarriage. I know that some people who go through problems with getting pregnant go through this for much longer, but it's still hard and we've had PLENTY of time by ourselves. We want to move forward like most other couples do, is that wrong? I don't think so.

- "You can always adopt."

While I would love to save EVERY child without a home out there, we want to be given the chance to experience pregnancy like most everyone else does. And yes, I would consider adoption. I've done research and thought a lot about it. Some of my childhood friends were in the foster care system and it was extremely difficult until they were actually adopted. Bryan and I came to the decision (as I feel we are entitled to) to try the fertility treatment first and go from there. Adoption may be definitely be in the works for us later on.

- "Just quit trying and let it happen on its own. Don't stress out about it."

Going through the whole infertility experience, a lot is going on. Obviously your body is not as healthy as you'd like. The process of being on medications, off medications, trying new medications, trying more medications, it takes its toll. Not to mention, with every visit, prescription, blood work, ultrasound, etc is more $$. We already have about $1,500 to $2,000 (that insurance did not pay) into this whole experience. (Thank God for family that was able to help out!) You can't put a price tag on a child and I'm not trying to do that. I don't know about about anyone else, but for Bryan and I, that's a lot of money that we are hoping is going to make our dreams come true. To not stress about the bills and hoping that we get pregnant or making sure that we're saving for next month if this cycle is unsuccessful, is nearly impossible. Trust me, if I could loosen up a bit and lose the anxiety of the whole situation, I promise I would faster than a heartbeat.

- "What is PCOS?"

Haha. This answer requires a whole separate post.

- "How do you feel about the people around you being pregnant?"

This reminds me of a situation that just happened a few days ago. One of my best friends, my maid of honor, Cherie, found out that she's pregnant with her second child. She found out a few weeks ago but kept putting off telling me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. While I appreciate her concern, she is still my friend and as long as she's happy, I'm happy for her. And just like I told her, I'm jealous, but happy. :) So to Cherie, Congratulations! / With strangers that walk by that are pregnant or the waitress or whoever, I always notice them and can't help but to look at them. It reminds me of what I'm missing out on and I wonder how they feel, but babies are blessings and I just hope that they appreciate every moment of it.

- "How's the Atkins diet going?"

Yeah so that lasted a whole 3 hours maybe. Just kidding.. but not very long. Phase 1 is about 2 weeks long and I lasted almost a week. I couldn't use the bathroom (TMI?) for 3 days!! I don't just gorge (is that a word?) on food all day, but women with PCOS have a harder time losing weight and processing sugars. This is why a lot of women with PCOS develop Diabetes. It all correlates with your insulin levels and women with PCOS must maintain a very strict diet to reverse the endocrine problem. It is extremely hard and I still watch what I eat, but no I'm not going by the book as I probably should. Like today I ate half of a turkey club wrap for lunch. I'm very conscientious of what goes in.. and out. Haha!

So I think that's enough of Q&A for now.. next.

How embarassing! Last night, Bryan, Pat, Maria and I went to the Friday Fest where we were standing in line for Pizza. I made the following statement: "I want a piece of pizza but I kinda want some nachos." (Not that I was going to eat everything!) Well, the *bitch* in front of us who did that shirt that she was wearing NO justice says, "Are we expecting?" So before I really understood what she said, I was like "Yeah.. wait No." So she turns around with smile on her face and says, "I thought so!" I was so embarassed and tried so hard not to cry. If she would've said that to someone else, I would've wanted to punch her in the face, but I just wanted to run away. I was so humiliated. I told Bryan that it sucks because not only did she remind me that I'm a chunky girl who could stand to shed a few pounds but that I'm NOT PREGNANT! Double wammy! So, by the time it was our turn, I got a bottle of water and nothing to eat. I completely lost my appetite in embarassment. Ugh.. stills makes me mad!

Erica, I guess this is supposed to be you and I except you're smaller than me. :)

My cousin Erica texted me the other day saying that she just read every one of my blogs and found herself laughing and crying. Quite a few people have told me that they keep up with my blog and it means so much to me. My cousin Derek described me as being poetic and to know that my words are reaching others out there makes me feel really good. Thanks to all who are reading.

2nd Cycle - 4th Appointment

2009-08-31T19:58:00.004-05:00

Same old results, just a different day. Still no response to the treatments yet.

Normally Mrs. Terri would give it until today before she decides that the treatment is not working, however she is going to check us out again next Tuesday and see if I'm just a slow responder. Tuesday is the day that we see if I'm responding yet and if so, moving forward with trying to get pregnant OR to call this cycle quits and make plans for the next cycle.

Bryan and I are really not in a situation to keep doing this month after month so I think we have decided to hold off on the treatments for now and just kind of play it by ear.. save up some more money and strength to do this again later. You see I am already expecting bad news on Tuesday.. better than getting my hopes up I guess. So if it goes as expected, then we will pick it back up when we both decide we are ready to continue.

I was doing a little bit (well a lot bit) of thinking today and the conversation in my head is as follows. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, nice vehicles and the opportunity to try this treatment. What in the world makes me think that I am just supposed to get (as if I deserve it all) a baby out of all of this? I thank God for all that I have everyday but should I just quit asking and enjoy the things I do have? But then again, the Bible talks about "ask and you shall receive".. "the desires of your heart." I'm just so torn.. and confused.

I know that in everything I do, I should give thanks. I am so appreciative of what the Lord has done for me that I feel like I shouldn't ask for anything else. I also feel like I need to persistently keep my eyes on my goal to make it there one day. Does that make sense? Probably not but oh well.

So for something totally unrelated to "baby-making," Bryan and I have repainted the master bathroom and I LOVE it. If you like the greens, Green Tea is a gorgeous color made by Behr. It is now the color of our kitchen and our bathroom and I couldn't be happier with the way it turned out. Yay!

Something else Bryan and I have done.. traded HIS motorcycle for OUR new waverunner. I like that little "his-to-our" system.. works out nicely. :) It is so much fun and we've spent every weekend for the past two months (at least) at the lake or the beach. It has been so much fun, awesome exercise and better than paying for the tanning bed, that's for sure. Maybe I will take some pictures and post them soon.

2nd Cycle - 3rd Appointment

2009-08-26T19:41:00.003-05:00

We went to the doctor again on Monday and still nothing impressive. At this point, we are a little disappointed but also trying to keep a calm mind and still look at the glass as half full without getting our hopes up. I guess that's all you can do.. to stay sane anyway. :)

We have started the Atkins diet (as of Monday) and obviously, no results yet. The Atkins for Life book is what we've been guided by so far. Mrs. Terri made me feel really good when she said, "I don't want you to watch your sugars to lose weight, because I think you look great. We just want to get your ovaries working."

She advised that PCOSers like myself, will see an improvement in their reproductive system before they will in their weight. So this could be very rewarding, although very hard at times. *Cookie dough and M&M McFlurry's are my weak moments.* :/

So, I've recently finished the book of Exodus and I've started reading Leviticus and still learning so much. I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm not just reading a fiction and that this stuff really did happen. I believe in the Lord with everything but it's still hard to comprehend some of the things that happened long ago. It definitely keeps my interest though.

Bryan's birthday party was this past weekend and I must say that it was a pretty good turn out. We had an adult-size inflatable waterslide and played on it all day. [He's just a big kid.] It was so fun! Tricia took some pics, so I will post as soon as I get them.

2nd Cycle - 2nd Appointment

2009-08-19T18:40:00.005-05:00

Mrs. Terri told us that she wasn't too sure that this was going to be our month either. She spoke of how we are only in the "baby steps" of this whole process and it will take a lot more time. She said that if I were not pregnant in the next 6 months, she would not be too concerned because it just takes that long most of the time.

Here are some of the questions and answers we went over today. Questions by me, answers by Mrs. Terri.

Q: What are my chances of getting pregnant when I start to ovulate?
A: Well, 50% of regular fertile women who ovulate after 3 months, normally get pregnant. That leaves another 50% out there that get pregnant right away, not at all, or after 3 months.

Q: If I produce too many follicles at ovulation then they will stop the cycle to avoid having multiples since this would be my first child/children to have as normal of a pregnancy as possible. What is considered too many for you to stop the cycle? Because I would rather have 10 then none at this point and if it's a matter of twins, I would hate to stop the cycle if a successful pregnancy is possible.
A: I wouldn't feel comfortable going forth with a cycle if I saw that you have produced more than 5 mature eggs. At my age, if I produced 5 eggs, half of them are probably crap anyway, but if you produced 5 or more eggs, you could possibly have that many children. As long as I've been doing this though, I've only had one case where a woman actually got pregnant with more than 3 at a time.

Q: Just out of curiosity, how much does IVF cost?
A: Right around $7,500 excluding medications that go with it and no guarantee of success on the first try.

Q: If the only way to treat PCOS is with either a birth control pill (or patch) or with an ovulation inducing drug (fertility pills), then how will I ever get pregnant on my own without either one?
A: You won't. Some women who choose to not take either one, extreme diet and excercise has been known to reverse the endocrine problem and cause ovulation. Even in that situation, you should still be taking Provera to be able to bleed since PCOS (inovulatory) women do not get regular periods.

Now for those of you who don't have or understand PCOS, without treatment for the syndrome, testosterone levels increase, progesterone levels go down and that's when the hormonal imbalance takes place. Now if I were to go without a treatment (I've been on birth control since I was 15.), then I would start gaining more weight and probably have to start shaving my face. :) That's not something that I wish on anyone.. female anyway.

So, our next appointment has been changed from this Friday to Monday because she said that if I responded this month, it may be a slow response. I know my God is awesome though so we shall see. Thanks for reading.

2nd Cycle - 1st Appointment

2009-08-12T20:04:00.002-05:00

Spoke too soon? So I must admit.. although my last post was exactly the way I was feeling at that time, I have yet again changed my mind. (This stuff really makes you crazy, I guess.)

I talked with a few close loved ones who convinced me that giving up on something we really wanted to do may not be the answer to my problems. Besides, what doesn't kill us will make us stronger, right? So we have decided to muster up enough (hmm what word goes here? everything!) to go forth with another cycle.

Our new cycle will be 100mg of Clomid for 5 days (starting Friday) and an HCG injection sometime in the next two weeks or so, I think.

We went in for our first appointment for this cycle today and so far, so good. We really won't know anything until our next appointment on Wednesday. At this point, there's about 21 small follicles on one ovary and about 25 smalls on the other. Also, for the custom of women is upon me. (Haha, read on.)

I've lost about four pounds, so that was good. Probably from all the swimming we've been doing lately. (NOTE: Maria and I swam across the whole Crystal Lake on Sunday.. yes, I was very proud.)

In other news, I have finished the book of Genesis and I started the book of Exodus yesterday. I'm very surprised at all that I'm learning. The New International Version just puts it out there and although it catches me off guard sometimes, it is something that I understand.

So get this, Genesis 31:35 (NIV) "Rachel said to her father, "Don't be angry, my lord, that I cannot stand up in your presence; I'm having my period." So he searched but could not find the household gods."

But the King James Version says, "And she said to her father, Let it not displease my lord that I cannot rise up before thee; for the custom of women is upon me. And he searched but found not the images."

I would have NEVER read, "for the custom of women is upon me" and knew what it meant. Call me crazy, but that's what I say now.. kinda funny huh?

Oh yeah, Sunday I went to Ashley's (my brother Cory's girlfriend's) baby shower and won a game. You would know that the game was about pregnancy and motherhood and having never experienced either one, it was quite funny that I won.. of all the moms that were there, including my own. Yeah I got two really cool hair clips. :)

I must also give a very special "thank you so so so so much" to Tricia. You are the best, I love you tons!, and I can't thank you enough for everything that you've done for us. You are God sent and the many ways that you show your love and care and understanding is just incredibly generous of you and I will forever be grateful. Thank you!

Tapping Out

2009-08-08T20:13:00.002-05:00

Yep, you've guessed it.. I give up!!

I have consumed my whole life with trying to conceive ever since I had that positive pregnancy test and early miscarriage back in November. I've done so much research, reading and nonstop thinking about trying to have a baby that it has, emotionally, just drained me. The "On medication - Off medication - Testing - On medication - Blood work - Ultrasound - Off medication" has finally taken a toll on me in ever sense of the word.

I'm tired, I'm feeling depressed, I'm done! The anxiety has gotten way more than I've learned to handle and I feel like this is my time to stop.

I keep talking about putting it in God's hands and I'm doing just the opposite. I'm putting more trust in a treatment program that is just shy of killing me than I am in God who will either (a) bless me with a child the good old fashioned way like He did in the Bible with Rachel, Sarah and Hannah or (b) He will help me to be a better person without ever experiencing pregnancy, if that's the road He wants for me to take.

As I started this whole journey, I imagined this being my "baby blog" where I would post pictures of my pregnant belly and our baby as he/she entered the world. I wanted to be that blogger that documented each magical experience as life just happened with a smile on my face the whole way through. I wanted to be that glimpse of hope for every other person that was going through the same thing.

For not being as strong as I planned, I apologize. This is/has been a whole lot harder than I anticipated.

Some of you may be wondering what in the world may have happened to change my mind. That, I will not go into detail, but I think God has been trying to get my attention this whole time. I feel like if I just live life as it comes, things will happen on its own.

I will say that Bryan is my huge supporter and although he would like to continue with the treatment, he stands behind me in whatever I will/will not put my body through. With all of the stress, the poking, the testing, the anxiety and the medicines, I feel like this treatment would be a failure anyway if I'm too stressed out for my body to work properly anyway. His understanding does not go unnoticed and I love him dearly for all the "tag-teaming" we perform together.

Besides, with the treatment, it was so much harder to let go and let God. I still wanted to control the situation. I've saturated my whole existence into this and it was taking away from every other part and person in my life. To all of you, I am sorry.

To the Lord, please forgive me.. once again. I am so sorry for all that I've done wrong. I pray for strength, healing, understanding, and a positive attitude through everything. I want to live again. I want to be able to let go and let You have Your way in my life.. after all, You died for it. I owe so much to You and I ask for Your forgiveness for every moment that I have been less of a person than I could/should have been.

Genesis 1-4

2009-07-26T12:54:00.000-05:00

Genesis 1: (27) So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (28) God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."

Genesis 2: (7) the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being. (18) The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (21) So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. (22) Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. (23) The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." (24) For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Genesis 3: (12) The man said, "The woman you put here with me--she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it." (13) Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me,and I ate." (16) To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." (17) To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,' "Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. (19) By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return."

Genesis 4: (1) Adam lay with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, "With the help of the LORD I have brought forth a man." (7) If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."

I know that most people will not comment or even read what is in italics but this is my blog and I found great understanding in what is stated.. maybe you will too. Please don't miss out.

Starting Something New

2009-07-26T12:22:00.002-05:00

Some of you may find this to be silly or whatever but I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Bryan went to do a service call one day to a woman's house. This woman was celebrating her 98th birthday when Bryan showed up to fix her kitchen sink. She has always requested Bryan to do her plumbing work and knows him well. As a gift and a "good luck" for the fertility treatments, she gave him a bible.

Ever since that day, and I think it's been about a month or so now, I've thought about reading it. I'm not real religious, nor do I claim to be. I don't attend church every Sunday morning or read the bible everyday.

I do, however, believe extremely in the power of prayer. I do have a relationship with God and I do trust in his word. I've never been much of a bible-reader because I've never really understood it so I gave up on that a long time ago.

Today, I started reading the bible again. I signed up for Christianity.com and they have this online bible that you can read, highlight and make notes. It is made so easily to understand and study. I'm posting this for two reasons: (1) to share what I came across with you, in case you're interested; (2) to stick to what I've started, I easily get burnt out on things and this is something that I know will benefit me and my quality of life and I don't want to give up.

I'll be posting as I come across things to share and I encourage you to take advantage of this free offer. I truly believe there is so much comfort, guidance and answers in the word and I can't wait to see for myself.

Izabella (Bella) Harmony Ellerton

2009-07-26T11:37:00.011-05:00

Happy Birthday to you sweet girl!

You are beautiful and tiny and I just love you so much!

Your Mommy and I - My cousin Lori and me at my Wedding.

I figured I would do her some justice and put some "not labor" photos of her in here.. love you Lori!

Your Daddy at my Wedding - EJ looking so stylish.

I couldn't have asked for a better man to be with Lori and the Daddy of Bella.

Your Uncle Derek holding you - My cousin who has been a best friend to me my whole life. With him, there is always room for laughter and adventure.

I'm not really sure what's going on here but of course, you're looking so precious.

You and your Grandpa - My Uncle Acie.. he's a character that you'll love. He's an amazing father and although sometimes shy, a great listener and will make you laugh.

Your Mimi and your Mommy giving you all the attention. - My Aunt Cyndie.. I love her way more than you could imagine. She's the person that I can go to who will not judge and always love you and support you in all that you do.

Your Mommy and You - She's is one of the best people I know. She's a fighter, a survivor and will always have a special place in my heart. I've always tried to be someone for her to look up to but she never seems to surprise me and teach me in things that she does herself. She is definitely a person of strength and you are privileged to have her as your Mommy.

And by the way, we were all raised up on "the flip-flop." Your Mommy knows well of it too. In due time, you will too know what "the flip-flop" is and it is much worse than a paddle or a switch. I pray that the rebellion of our family is somewhat watered down in you but please know that you have been warned. :) I love you gorgeous!

1st Cycle - 4th Appointment

2009-07-20T21:27:00.004-05:00

= 1 failed cycle of Clomid. I must vent, continue reading if you wish. Whew! There has been so much going on lately that today just made for one huge emotional tornado.

First and foremost, I must say that my cousin, Lori, is in labor as we speak. If you don't remember in one of my previous posts, I went to Lori's baby shower not long ago and felt a baby, her baby, kick for the first time. Her baby girl, Izabella is on her way.. ready or not! I'm so very excited and happy for her and EJ, Bella's daddy. I'm waiting to hear back from family as we speak (or as I type) on her arrival. :) She's being born at the same hospital that I was born at in Douglas, GA.

Second of all, yesterday I watched Leland and Loretta, who are both 2 1/2 years old, and I didn't really have much time to think about anything. So when I got to work this morning, all I could think about was my Uncle Mike. The only person I've really cried in front of is my brother, Cory and my husband, Bryan. I will not cry in front of my parents. I love my Uncle Mike and all but I kinda feel like so many other people were closer to him, so this is my time to be strong for them and let them just grieve. My Mom called me at work today just crying about him again and I would not let her know that I was crying too. I just let her talk and remember different things that he did that made us laugh or smile. I'm hoping that I can continue to be strong when I get to Georgia tomorrow to be with the rest of my family. The visitation/viewing is tomorrow and the funeral is Wednesday.. not to mention Lori's in the hospital there with Bella on the way.

Lastly, when Bryan and I got to the doctor this morning, I had my ultrasound. Mrs. Terri looked at my right ovary and found about 35 small follicles but none that were big enough to release eggs (ovulation). She looked over at my left ovary and whispered to herself, "come on left ovary, give me some good news." Then I saw the look of disappointment on her face when she counted about 35 small follicles but none big enough for ovulation. At this point, I had so much emotional overload that I just lost it. She and Bryan both came up and gave me a big hug and just calmed me back down and I can't thank God enough for the emotional support. It was such a moment, like in a movie, that we all had tears in our eyes. She promised that she would help us have a baby but I was just completely nonresponsive to the Clomid 50 mg. She put me back on the Ortho Evra patch to "reset" myself until the next cycle starting August 17th. I told her that I knew it probably wouldn't work in the first month but that I just hoped for a miracle anyway.

The hardest part is feeling so torn. I have three best friends, Kristin, Cherie & Lacey. I have two cousins, Lori & Erica. I have two sisters-in-law, Ashley & Ashley. (Yeah I know. :)) I also have Katie, she's like a sister to me.

- Kristin has a girl, Becca, 3 years old.

- Cherie has a boy, Leland, 2 1/2 years old.

- Katie has girl, Loretta, 2 1/2 years old.

- Erica has a girl, Alyssa, 6 months old.

- Lacey has a boy, Brody, 4 months old.

- Ashley (Bryan's sister) has a boy, Michael, 1 1/2 month old.

- Lori has a girl, Bella, due for arrival any minute now.. literally.

- Ashley (Cory's girlfriend) has a baby on its way. He prefers the gender be a secret, but I know. :)

Not that you needed the illustration but I wanted to prove that I'm not exaggerating when I say that everyone around me as children. To all of these babies, I am Aunt Randa and they will always be my babies. I love them all more than words can describe but I am so ready to be at that point where I can be "Mommy!" I feel like I am the only one in the whole world that doesn't have a baby and because I want it so badly, I question what I may have done wrong. I know that God just has a different path for Bryan and I to take, and that's fine too, but I'm just so ready! I think I get so disappointed because we are trying to have a baby in the midst of everyone else having babies and being pregnant. So when we confirmed that this cycle failed, it just hit really really hard.

Anyway, thanks for praying and letting me vent and praying and reading and praying with us. :)

By the way, did you know that loading two 2 1/2 year olds into carseats when one needs to use the potty at last minute takes the better part of 30 minutes? During nap time, I fell asleep!

Answers to Life

2009-07-18T20:08:00.009-05:00

I find myself struggling on how to start this post. Less than 24 hours ago, my Uncle Mike got called home to the Lord. I guess you could say I'm feeling somewhat numb, feeling shocked.. he was only 51 years old.

His departure makes me question birth & death but most importantly the quality of our lives. The beginning and ending are nowhere near as important as the life that we make for ourselves. We are the ultimate decision makers on being happy, being helpful, living without boundaries.. or in Uncle Mike's case, a rebel without a cause with all of the above. I smile as I type that. He, by no means, was the man behind the pedestal on Sunday mornings but more of the man at the alter. However, he is a far greater role model to living your life without limits. I look back on the years that I thought he made bad decisions but I think about how he lived.

Ever since I got the news last night, I've done a lot of crying, a lot of hurting but also a lot of thinking. If I have learned anything from Uncle Mike, it's that life is way too short to be scared of everything. Life is way more exciting when we actually live it. I've spent countless days of my life thus far in anxiety and fear. Why not live life while we still have it? Why not experience life for myself instead of just trying to figure it out from the sidelines. If we all just lived more and complained less, I can't even begin to think of how much happier we would all be.

I thank God that just last weekend, he came to visit us here in Panama City. My cousin Erica (Uncle Mike's daughter), TG (Erica's boyfriend) and Alyssa (their baby girl) all stayed here with Bryan and I while Uncle Mike and Ingrid (his wife) stayed next door with my parents for the weekend. We all went out to eat on Friday night, had a cookout on Saturday and they left on Sunday. Just last night, he passed away. I can't thank God enough for us being able to see him one last time.. he seemed to be doing fine.

I thank God for the talk that he had with Bryan. He was letting Bryan know that I chose a good guy to marry. He was joking around, like usual, laughing and having a good time. He even mentioned Bryan and I trying to have 4 kids at one time with this fertility treatment. He has 7 kids himself, with a little boy on the way. He told me Saturday night that when he hit 50 years old, he figured he would just start over and keep having kids. :)

When I pray everyday, I always ask God, "God please keep your hands of safety, protection, happiness, good health and forgiveness over each and every one of our families, our friends and our loved ones.. and all of their family, their friends and their loved ones." Now I have a decision to make. Do I get mad with God for not answering my prayer or do I thank God for each day that He blessed us with Uncle Mike. I choose to thank God for everything.. even the things I don't understand. I choose to thank God for his love and what he teaches us in each experience. I choose to thank God, period.

(Photo courtesy of Erica's mySpace.)

Rest peacefully Uncle Mike.. don't stir up too much trouble in Heaven. We'll miss you, way more than you know.It makes me wonder; how long does it take an individual to realize that the answer to life is not searching for the answer but simply, living it. Straight from the heart, I'm starting to realize that life is so much more than having children, making money or growing older.

The answer is love. In all that we do, the answer is living life with love.

Follicle Education

2009-07-13T19:59:00.004-05:00

1. Menstruation

2. Developing Follicle

3. Mature Follicle

4. Ovulation

5. Corpus Luteum

6. Deterioration of Corpus Luteum

Basically, I'm stuck in phase two. The mature follicles (phase three) will end up releasing the egg(s), ovulation (phase four).

1st Cycle - 3rd Appointment

2009-07-13T19:28:00.004-05:00

Still no ovulation. Basically, I'm just not responding to the treatment. I'm going back in on Monday the 20th. The 21st is the cutoff date per se. If I'm not ovulating by that time, then they will stop the cycle and try something else for the August cycle. Something else would be to either increase the dosage or to try a new medicine.

Mrs. Terri is a straight shooter and she pretty much told me that she didn't think this was going to be our month. I asked her what the percentage rate is or how many months on average does it take for women with PCOS to get pregnant using fertility treatments. Since everyone is different, she couldn't answer my question accurately. She did say that because I'm in a lot better shape than most PCOS women and I'm only 21 years old that my chances were very high once ovulation occurs. She said, "if we can just get you to ovulate, there's no doubt that you'll get pregnant right away.. we just got to get you ovulating."

We're still in good spirits, just hoping for our quarterback. (Refer to the last post for that one.) :) As I've said before, money is tight and fertility is expensive.. but so are babies. Who knows what the future holds but we can at least enjoy the present right? Once again, thanks for reading. Hopefully better updates next time.

1st Cycle - 2nd Appointment

2009-07-09T08:51:00.004-05:00

Yesterday didn't go as well as I hoped for. It wasn't horrible but Mrs. Terri did want to remind us that this may not work in the first month. I mean, I get the fact that things don't happen instantly and it takes time and all but I just expected to go in there and her be like, "Oh great, right on schedule!" I guess I was just being optimistic. Instead, she mentioned that I'm either not responding to the dosage of Clomid or I'm just a slow responder because I'm not ovulating yet. My appointment schedule changed a little bit and I go back in on Monday.

The way she explained it to Bryan and I was this. Each month when ovulation occurs, in a healthy woman, a follicle (or more) will mature to be an egg. Those eggs are the quarterbacks. Quarterbacks don't guarantee a touchdown (conception) but without a quarterback, there is no touchdown. In a PCOS woman, no one wants to stand up and be a quarterback. My follicles are not turning in to eggs. I'm just not ovulating. The Clomid is supposed to help ovulation occur and for us to have our quarterback.

If I don't respond to the first dose, then next month they can increase the dosage or try something else. If they go ahead and start me out at too high of a dose, then I could produce too many follicles. Either way, they would have to stop the cycle and try whatever is going to work in making just one healthy baby to have as normal of a pregnancy as possible. So basically, it's just this big adjustment experiment. Since everyone is different, it all depends on how each individual reacts to each treatment.

So, that being said, we shall see. We're keeping our fingers crossed for a quarterback. :)

1st Cycle - 1st Appointment

2009-07-01T18:53:00.004-05:00

What can I say? It went great! We got nothing but good news today.

All testing thus far has had amazing results. My ultrasound showed that my larger cysts are no longer there. There are a few follicles but nothing to be too terribly concerned about. I also had some blood work done which I think is just procedure to check everything out.. no word on that yet.

I love my husband! To see the excitement in his face is a blessing within itself. It seems like it takes nothing to get me excited or entertained while he is more the reserved and realistic one. Today the roles were definitely switched. Where as I was a little nervous and not wanting to get my hopes up, he was like the 5 year old about to walk in to the candy store. He was laughing and talking to the nurse and just asking Mrs. Terri all these questions.

During my ultrasound, she was showing him all of my "parts" on the screen and he was just so interested. When Mrs. Terri left the room, he gave me a kiss and made a statement (that I won't repeat) basically reassuring his excitement. It meant so much to me.

I got side-tracked and forgot to ask some of the questions but she basically told me that I need to act as normal as possible. She warned Bryan that the Clomid may make me a little irritable and I may get hot flashes from time to time. I can do anything physically that I've always done. She reassured me that the miscarriage from the honeymoon was not because I killed the baby but more of a chromosomal defect with the baby.. which is the cause of most miscarriages.

Mrs. Terri reminded us to be realistic in knowing that this may not work the first month but also gave us a lot of hope and words of wisdom to just have fun with the whole experience.

She said that some women with PCOS do not react at all to Clomid and some produce way too many follicles. Our goal is to have just one healthy baby to have as normal of a pregnancy as possible. If I produce too many follicles or I have no reaction to the Clomid then they will stop the cycle and change the treatment. They will never go 3 months on the same cycle that's not working.. whether it be to increase the dosage or change the method of ovulation and pregnancy.

NOTE: The chance for twins on Clomid is 10% and the chance for triplets is less than 1%. Somewhere between 40% and 80% of patients taking Clomid will have success in creating ovulation. However, this does not guarantee a successful conception.

As for more to come, I will start taking the Clomid in 2 days on the 3rd. My other appointments will basically be like today (an ultrasound and bloodwork) and possibly an FSH injection to help.

Again, thank you for all of your prayers and words of encouragement. It warms my heart everytime I get an email or a phone call and people say, "we're keeping our fingers crossed for ya" or "you're in our prayers" or something as simple as "good luck." It means so much to us.

Thank you Jesus.

2009-06-30T19:57:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is the "big day." It has been long waited for. It has been anticipated and thought about endlessly. It has made me cry, smile and pray. It is possibly the beginning of a new life.. possibly the beginning of my dreams coming true.

Lord, with all of my heart, I can't thank you enough for your love. I owe so much to you. You have tremendously blessed us in so many ways in which we do not deserve.

Please forgive me for every moment that I have cried about the things that I do not have because in all reality, I have all I need, plus so much more. The hardest thing to pray for sometimes is for You to have Your way.. and not mine. I understand that if it is not a part of Your plan for us to be parents, then it won't be.

I'm trying so hard, and I need your help, to be positive in this whole experience and to appreciate whatever path it is that is before us. I know that Bryan and I want a baby through all of this.. I also know that what you want is far greater than what we can see.

Thank you Jesus for your love.. and whatever path you see for us to take.

3 Days..

2009-06-28T10:09:00.005-05:00

..Until treatment. People have asked, "So how do you feel?" And it so much depends on the minute you ask me.

I'm definitely excited. I just think about the fact that within the next month, I could possibly be a mother.

I'm questionable. Although the last year of my life has been spent doing much research, I'm still jotting down questions as they come to ask the doctor on Wednesday things I'm not sure about.

- During treatment with Clomid, do I need to steer clear of KitKat's litter box?

- Are their certain foods that I should definitely not be eating that are dangerous or can hinder a pregnancy?

- Are their certain things that I should/should not be doing to increase our chances of becoming pregnant?

- What is the percentage of this working in the first month?

- Also, do certain intercourse positions work better than others? :) So I've heard.

See a few weeks before we got married, I had a D & C, which makes most women extremely fertile afterwards. However, it didn't even cross my mind that we would get pregnanct. On our honeymoon to Tennessee, we rode a lot of rides at Dollywood, did a lot of go-kart racing, rock climbing, etc and when we got home I had that positive digital pregnancy test. Every pregnancy symptom that I experienced in Tennessee, I had a reason for.

Swolen breats, but they didn't hurt: Just gained a few pounds from eating on the trip.

Constipation: We were in the mountains and my body just wasn't as comfortable as at home.

Craving for pumpkin pie: It was just close to that time of year for more.

A few people had asked was I pregnant, but I just took a test to be on the safe side and not really thinking that I was.. and it said "Pregnant." Shortly after the home pregnancy test, the blood test was negative. So I just question.. was I really pregnant the whole time and didn't know it or was I just one person that had a false positive, which doesn't exist? Did I kill my baby from the things that we were doing? I just don't want to take anymore chances. I'm scared to death that this won't work.

Also, a lot of Clomid's side effects are those of pregnancy. So I'm trying to prepare myself to not get my hopes up if I'm "feeling pregnant." What normal person would feel nauseous and be happy about it? That would be me. :)

I'm already starting to feel motherly. I'm trying not to take much medicine whether it be for a headache or whatever. I'm trying to get used to sleeping on my left side. To my Mama friends, is it true that sleeping on your left side is better for the baby?

I'm feeling much closer to God. He has truly blessed us and I realize that. I also know that He has a plan for us. Whether this be a test to become better people or a trial to appreciate family.. I'm not sure, but I really thank Him for the experience, regardless of the outcome. We are extremely blessed to even be able to have treatment as an option, since most people cannot afford to even try.

I'm really just trying to relax. I know that if I'm stressed out too much, then my body will not allow a pregnancy to exist. I'm praying for a calm mind, a relief of stress and a positive outlook regardless of the results.

Thank you again for reading and praying with us. It means way more than you know.

MJC Sherman and Our Trip to Ocala

2009-06-16T15:28:00.014-05:00

Michael Joshua Corbitt Sherman

(Our nephew.. Born June 2nd at 6:10am.)

The Sherman Family

Michael Joshua Corbitt with his Mommy.

(Ashley, Bryan's sister and my sister-in-law.)

Michael Joshua Corbitt with his Daddy.

(Josh, our brother-in-law.) The last is not a pose.. how sweet!

Michael Joshua Corbitt and his Uncle Bryan

(My husband.)

Michael Joshua Corbitt with his Aunt Randa

(That would be me.)

Michael Joshua Corbitt with his Grandparents

(Bryan's Dad, Corbitt & Bryan's Mom, Debbie.. also my in-laws.)

Random Post

2009-06-11T11:32:00.003-05:00

I haven't been feeling real well the last few days so today I finally decided to stay home. I really want to try and get to feeling better for the weekend. "Why?" you may ask.. because Bryan and I are going to Ocala for the weekend to spend time with that precious baby that you saw in a previous post. Yes, that would be our handsome little nephew, Michael Joshua Corbitt Sherman, and I'm going to get myself back up to 100% so I can be able to hold him.

When I have a baby, you can bet your life that all hands will be washed and clean before touching.. and I give no less the respect for other families.

Last weekend, Bryan and I went to Douglas for my cousin Lori's baby shower. It was quite fun and I'm so excited for her. It was so sweet because she's the one who is pregnant and although she is excited during her own pregnancy, all she kept saying was.. "Miranda, I know it will happen and you guys are going to have a beautiful baby when it does." She is basically like a sister to me and I can't wait to meet her baby girl, Izabella Harmony Ellerton. Lori's pregnancy makes the very first time I've ever felt a baby kick and it was amazing! I just kept rubbing her belly all day long. I love pregnant bellies! :)

Just as a side note: If you read the post about me running into a lot of coincidences lately, I am watching one of the baby shows on Discovery Health and the baby girl that was just born is named Miranda. :)

I also want to say in the random post of events, thank you so much for all of the kinds words, emails and messages that I've received. Most people I know have a mySpace and can't comment on here but I've received lots of love and support. I pass all the words of encouragement on to Bryan since he's not as computer savvy as I am. :) We appreciate all of it and it really keeps us going. I can't say thank you enough for caring.

July's Monthly Monitoring

2009-06-11T11:15:00.006-05:00

Two days ago, I got the new schedule in from my fertility specialist. I about cried just seeing it on paper. I'm posting this for others who may be going through the same thing and curious to know the procedure as well as people who are just curious. I have nothing to hide.. and I'm so excited to get started! I shouldn't have to list all of the in between that needs to be taking place. :)

June 29 - Remove Ortho Evra Patch

July 1 - Lab/USG (Ultrasound)

July 3 - Clomid 50 mg
July 4 - Clomid 50 mg
July 5 - Clomid 50 mg
July 6 - Clomid 50 mg
July 7 - Clomid 50 mg

July 8 - Lab/USG

July 13 - Lab/USG
July 14 - Lab/USG?
July 15 - Lab/USG?

July 20 - Lab/USG

July 30 - Pregnancy Test

Somewhere in the mix, I may have an HCG injection, but I'm not for sure on that yet.

Keep in mind that Monthly Monitoring costs $500 per month but all of these appointments are included which is why it has to be paid up front. I understand that there is no guarantee and a lot of people get pregnant within 3 to 6 months but I'm just really hoping, praying and trusting in God that this is the answer to our prayers. We definitely don't have enough money saved to do this every month but again, I am trusting in God.. one step at a time.

Michael Joshua Corbitt Sherman

2009-06-02T18:38:00.004-05:00

Happy Birthday!

I am your Aunt Randa, the wife of your Uncle Bryan and the sister-in-law to your Mommy and Daddy. You may be unaware of this, but you have made a huge impact in a lot of lives.. yes, even though your only 1 day old. For years, we didn't know if your Mommy could have children or not and I think it's safe to say that you are your Mommy and Daddy's little miracle. Your Uncle Bryan and I are not sure if we can have children and you are just a glimpse of hope and additional motivation for us to keep trying. I promise I will do my best to have a cousin for you to play with one day, even though you have awesome ones throughout your family already. You've brought so much happiness to many people and we are so proud to welcome you into this world. I know that from your Mommy and Daddy, and all of us, love is something that never runs out and you will have more than plenty for your life to come. We love you so much and your Uncle Bryan and I can't wait to be able to hold you in our arms. Also, I must say that I think you are the most handsome "Moseley" man I've ever seen. :) I love you, Aunt Randa.

1 Month Until Treatment

2009-06-01T20:18:00.005-05:00

We are officially one month away from starting our fertility treatment. I can't even describe all of the emotions, but excitement is definitely one of them. I am definitely hoping and pray that nothing else gets in the way from our plan as we have had a few roadblocks since our original decision to start this. I am nervous for getting closer to becoming a mommy, but definitely looking forward to it all.

***NEWS FLASH**

Bryan's sister and my sister-in-law, Ashley, is currently in labor. I talked to her a little while ago and she is at 3cm. Our brother-in-law, Josh, will try to call with updates and for now we are standing by for the official moment that our new nephew is welcomed into the world. I know he will be a beautiful baby and can't wait to finally meet him. Since they live a few hours away, we're not sure when that will be, but we're definitely looking forward to it.

KitKat's Update

2009-06-01T19:55:00.003-05:00

Poor KitKat never got better within the one week on her medicine. Keep in mind that they treated her as having a urinary tract infection and said that one week on the medicine would clear her up. If not better in a week, we needed to bring her back in.

Well, I called and got a second opinion with another vet and they advised to bring her in as soon as possible. She got spayed on emergency basis because she had a severe infection in which her uterus was filling up with pus. The new vet basically told us that they didn't know how the first vet missed it, but she more than likely would not have made it another two weeks alive. She had her surgery on Friday and is doing much better now.

Of course, she got her belly shaved and stitches that we have to keep clean with peroxide, but everything looks good.. even her hoohah. :) Her belly looks flatter, so I call it her tummy tuck.

Overall, we are so thankful that the second time around, these people were really willing to take care of her and that we didn't waste time on making sure that she was okay. We love our KitKat and everyday that we have her with us.. and she loves her new tummy tuck. :)

KitKat's Vet Visit - Graphic!

2009-05-19T19:15:00.003-05:00

I took KitKat to the vet today. For the last few days, she has been bleeding and what I thought was in a heat. Well, the other night I picked her up the bring her to the bedroom and when I went to go lay down, I had blood all over my shirt.. yeah, really gross. I thought that she would just get better and everything would clear up by the next day so I kept her in the big bathroom for the night.

This morning, it was a lot worse. I was talking to some coworkers who said that it was not normal, so I called the vet and they wanted to see her. About two months ago, she snuck out of the house and today I was thinking.. "what if she got pregnant and is trying to have babies now?" I mean, it's unreal how nasty it was.

The receptionist was like, "Ma'am, where is she bleeding from?" and I was like "Well, out of her hoohah.. duh!" :)

Well after a few x-rays, she's not pregnant.. but the doctor thought that she may have been. She said, "when you get home, look around to see if she had a stillborn delivery." This is so gross, I know. Our house is pretty much organized and everything has a home.. and nothing seemed out of place. I checked every nook and cranny and found nothing.

The vet also said that it may just be a urinary tract infection that she gave her medicine for but also said that everything on the x-ray showed that she is overall pretty healthy. If everything doesn't clear up in about a week, I have to take her back. Oh and she said that as far as the messy stuff goes [to put it lightly], keeping her in the bathroom would be fine for now and she will get herself all cleaned up.

Eww.. thank gaaaawd I'm not a KitKat.. poor thing!

Ugh, I think I'm depressed.

2009-05-19T18:32:00.006-05:00

As if any of you care about my complaints, I really need to just vent.

I don't even know where to start, but I hope that the rest of the week gets better. I feel like I'm going crazy.. really. I kinda hope that it's this patch that I'm on, messing with my hormones or something, but I'm not sure. It's like I'll get really excited, then really depressed, and extremely irritable. Normally when I'm mad or annoyed, I never say anything, but lately I feel like I've had to apologize for my attitude more than I ever have.

NOTE: I can't stand it when people who are pregnant or are on medicine blame treating people like crap on their condition. DISCLAIMER: I'm not doing that.. I really feel bad about my moodiness!

During the work week, I am extremely busy with tons of people and things lined up calling my name. Trust me, I don't mind responsibility or jobs to do [better than nothing at all], but I feel like I've just been so overwhelmed lately. Saturday, I went into work from 8:30 to 5:30 just getting things done while the office was closed and when I came in to work yesterday, it was all piled up again. Not to mention, I am everyone's "go-to" person and all the favors here and there has been pushing my own job further down the line.

On the weekends, I basically just try to get some rest and things done around the house. Lately, we've been going to the lake at least once every weekend, but things around the house are getting backed up. I feel like once I'm home, I lose all of my energy. Keep in mind that I'm the girl when the bedroom is messy, I can't sleep in it.. but I have just been letting things go lately. But I must say that I don't live in a barn neither.. even on lazy days, I keep it somewhat tidy.

I also think [and I hope not] that I'm going through some sort of a depression or something. My anxiety has been like crazy lately [I mean weekly panic attacks] and a lot of tears have been shed. If you asked me why.. I would say "I don't know." It's so weird.

I am starting to feel really lonely too though. I mean I have my husband and all, but as far as friends go.. I don't really hang out with anyone anymore. Not because I don't want to but because we've all just lost touch. It's quite sad and another thing that I can't explain.

I don't know what's going on, but I'm not liking it. Mrs. Terri [my fertility specialist] said that if I've experienced anxiety and depression in my life then I'm more likely going to have postpartum depression [if I ever get pregnant] which definitely scares me. Then again, right now.. everything scares me, pisses me off, or makes me cry. Why not add something else to the list?

As I'm typing out all of my complaints and negative feelings, my husband and Georgia come walking in the door. [Georgia goes to work with Daddy everyday.. it's so sweet!] Bryan has picked me a bright pink rose off of our rose bush in the yard and he says, "Hey honey, this is for you!" Now I need to go cry.. haha.. really. :) I wasn't lying when I said my emotions have been really extreme.

The Faceless Baby

2009-05-16T16:24:00.004-05:00

Since starting this whole fertility experience, I've had tons of dreams of being a Mom and having babies and all. Well everytime I dream of my baby, his/her face is always blurry. It's like I can never tell what he/she looks like. Most of my dreams are of girls.. but that doesn't mean I really have a preference.. either or both is fine with me.

A few nights ago I had this really crazy dream.. I mean it didn't even seem real. I went to the emergency room because I was really sick on my stomach and I told the registration lady that I think I may be having a serious problem. [I've been watching too much "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" on TLC.. love that show!]

So I was sitting in the lobby waiting to be called back and the next thing I know.. my pain just all of a sudden went away and right then, a nurse called me back. I went back and she took me to the nursery and looking through the glass she said.. "There she is.. there's your baby girl."

It was so weird, I remember thinking inside my dream.. "This has got to be a dream.. I didn't even have a baby.. this is not real."

Anyway, so I remember that this baby girl had a face. She had Bryan's lips, my eyes, a small nose and a head full of dark hair.. she was perfect! It was so cool because for the first time, I got to see this baby that I've been dreaming of.

I wish I could just talk to someone who interprets dreams or something because I just want to know all of the answers. Like, is the reason that I didn't deliver this baby in my dream a sign that I won't be able to do that and I will adopt a baby? And does this baby girl, who looks like Bryan and I, symbolize the baby that we will one day have and her looks are those on the inside as Bryan and I will raise and teach this baby? Is the reason for all the pain until the nurse called me back a way of saying.. "You may be hurting now or questioning Me now, but when all is said and done.. you will forever be grateful of the miracle I have blessed you with and in your eyes sheer perfection."

Of course, I woke up with tears, but so grateful for this whole experience that God has blessed us with. Even though I'm not pregnant yet, I know that He has a great plan in store for us and I'm so excited to learn and grow and just live this life He has for me.

In other news, as I'm wiping my eyes.. I spoke to Mrs. Terri [my fertility specialist] yesterday and just about everything is lined up to start treatment and monitoring for July 1st. Testing that has to be done before then is like one thing after another.. but we will get there. She's already getting together a calendar for us for when to wear and change my patch, when I should have a cycle, intercourse, etc. Anyway.. that's all for now, updates as we get them!

"Keep up the good work."

2009-05-05T19:48:00.013-05:00

So today I went by my feritility specialist's office to give them a copy of my shot records from when I got the MMR done. Well when I walked in, there were no patients and Mrs. Terri was standing there. She was asking how everything was going. Basically, I was telling her that in the next couple of weeks I plan on having all of the money to her.

See, Bryan and I have been pinching every penny to pay my medical bills and to come up with Monthly Monitoring which is $500 per month and includes all fertility visits and treatment for the month paid in advance. I believe that we have it now.. just a matter of if we can handle the next couple of weeks without needing it for something else.

She's also trying to get me to lose a few pounds just to be healthy enough for pregnancy and to get myself back in good shape. I went on to tell her that I've been walking in the afternoons with ladies from work for about an hour at a time and I'm only required to do 30 minutes per day.

Although my eating habits aren't perfect.. they're pretty darn good. I drink tons of water and never really been a soda fan and I don't just sit around and eat a bunch of junk neither. What's kinda funny is that the other day I picked up a gallon of sweet tea from the dollar store and when I got home, I realized that I had accidentally grabbed Splenda tea. Mrs. Terri said that it was karma for trying to drink sweet tea to begin with. :)

The last conversation with my fertility specialist was not the best.. probably because I'm too honest [if there is such thing] and end up telling on myself. Today however, she basically told me that she was very proud of me for all of my hard work with my health and our budgeting. It made my day.. completely.

In the same sense for honesty, when I'm doing good.. I'm really doing good.. and well, you know the rest. If I'm not working out and eating healthy, I will tell you.. "Yeah, I'm pretty much slacking." But after our last conversation, I really wanted to get my butt in gear and now it's routine and actually fun for me to take my afternoon walk.. I even jogged a mile today!

She also gave me the option to start the treatment a month earlier on June 1st since she says that I'm ready. It was so reassuring and motivating to do what she said ["keep up the good work"] and to see how much closer we are to realizing our goals and dreams. Bryan and I are going to stick with our original plan to start the cycle on July 1st.. but I can't wait!

Ok, enough rambling.. I'm just so excited! But I will get back to eating my hot dog [singular] without the bun and ketchup of course. :)

What's going on?

2009-05-01T21:56:00.001-05:00

Today I went and got the MMR shot at the Health Department so that took care of one more of the things on my "to do" list. Money is tight and fertility is expensive yet I'm so excited at how much closer we are to starting treatment. The shot wasn't that bad.. a little sting and a little expensive.. but if I were to get the Measles, Mumps, or Rubella during pregnancy, it could be fatal for the little one. So, it was definitely a neccessity and well worth the peace of mind.

I've been dreaming a lot lately.. nothing new.. but my dreams have been really strange. I can honestly remember up to 4 dreams the next morning. I've always been that way. It's extremely rare that I wake up and don't remember at least one. I also have really bad, scary and graphic dreams. It's been explained to me that it has a lot to do with what you eat before bed and levels of anxiety. We all know that I love a late night snack and anxiety is probably something that I will always deal with. So, one of my bad dreams the other night was that I was pregnant and my baby had been diagnosed with T18.

Because I've been doing a lot of fertility, baby and pregnancy research lately, I've come across a lot of interesting things. One of these things, I happen to come across by accident.. kinda. See, I like to Blogspot page jump, mainly because I'm curious and nosey, and I found this page dedicated to Mary Grace Summons. Mary Grace was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 (or T18 or Edwards Syndrome) while still in the womb. I've never in my life heard of T18 but since stumbling across her page, I have literally done hours of research out of curiosity and interest. Mary Grace only lived 7 short hours, but with T18.. she was very fortunate to have that long. My heart goes out to these families who are blessed with these miracles like Mary Grace but are also faced with a huge challenge (to put it lightly) on dealing with this situation. I was truly touched by this story and T18 babies and families have definitely been added to my prayer list.

Due to the fertility treatment, I have literally thought about babies and all things that go with them, 24/7.. which brings me to my next subject. Coincidences. You know how when you want to have a baby, you see a bunch of pregnant women and babies? Yeah, well it has been bad lately. I'm talking waitresses, people at the walking park, friends, check out ladies, etc. I only pray that it's part of God's plan for me to experience those same things.. I sure hope so. If not, I'm convinced it's a conspiracy. :)

So one more coincidence.. as I'm typing this, our local news report is covering a "Health Watch" story on birth defects. Also, I was watching "Deliver Me" on Discovery Health the other day and they mentioned T18.. like I said, something I would've never known about until recently. Maybe I'm just "overdoing" my research and just need to relax. I just fear that when/if the day comes and I am pregnant, that I will be uneducated or unprepared.

One last thing, I wanted to mention.. The Shack! If you do not have this book, please go out and spend the $15 to buy it. It is very well worth the money. I'm not much of a reader but I have been so caught up in this story and have found so many answers within myself through the character that I've always questioned. This book really just puts it out there and keeps me wanting for more. You may also go to the website: http://www.theshackbook.com/. I wouldn't mention it if I didn't believe in its message. Thanks Mrs. Terri for convincing me to buy it!

I got tagged.

2009-04-25T14:43:00.002-05:00

Thanks Jovina!

So, here are the rules.
1. When given the award, you list 7 things that you love.
2. Pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you love. Be sure to tag them and let them know they've won. (You can copy the picture of the award and paste it on your sideboard.)

7 Things That I Love:
Assuming that everyone knows how much I love my family.
1. Bryan's smell.. the good ones. :)
2. Our house.. and decorating it.
3. When KitKat tiptoes on the bed and sleeps in as late as I do.
4. The way Georgia follows me around everywhere I go. She doesn't do that with anyone else.
5. Concerts.. and really good country music.
6. The thought of having a baby/babies one day and raising them.
7. When the bills are paid and there's money in the bank.

I tag whoever it is that might actually follow my blog that hasn't been tagged yet. :) I only know like 3 people on BlogSpot.. that's sad.

Did someone move the pond?

2009-04-07T19:46:00.020-05:00

So I hit a frustrating "bump in the road" today. It seems like everytime I try to get things together, something goes wrong. I'm not going to go into all of the hurdles we've jumped so far, but today.. a new one was before me.

I contacted my fertility specialist, Mrs. Terri, just to touch base on things today since I haven't talked to her in about a month or so. See, she's allowing me to pay off my bill up there in installments.. which is extremely nice of her. Well, then I found out that I owe a little more than I thought due to the insurance adjustments and copay and all.

So call me dumb, but I didn't know about what they call, "Monthly Monitoring." See the last day of my birth control patch is supposed to be June 19th. Mrs. Terri has already given me the Rx for the Clomid [fertility pill] and I thought that since I finish the patch on 6/19, I just start the Clomid. One of the reasons for my call was to see if I have to wait a week or I just take it the next day on the 20th or what.

Well apparently, I have it all wrong. Before I start the Clomid, I need to go back in and see her once more and my bill must be paid up completely by that time. They will then put me on "the cycle" and "Monthly Monitoring." What I didn't know until today was that this monthly monitoring cost is.. oh let's say.. $500/month!! And on top of that charge that was introduced to me today, monthly monitoring has to be paid up front. So basically, I'm looking at the amount left on my bill and $500 monthly montoring that has to be paid by June.

Needless to say, I totally stressed out today. Bryan has been completely supportive and comforting through everything thing that has come our way and making me feel so much better about moving forward. I mean, with all of my heart I want to move forward, but when I get extremely overwhelmed with bills and money and health issues, I start to get really negative and think, "Oh great, I'm never going to have a baby." That's not a "quality" that I love about myself, but it's the truth.

After some thought, one more hurdle means one more moment of strength and well worth the reward.

The Positives:

*Monthly monitoring will cover all of my visits and ultrasounds and will already be paid, when paid upfront for that month.

*Monthly monitoring will help manage and determine if I've produced too many follicles [multiple births] and manage the pregnancy of a healthy baby/babies.

*My husband. He has been the best support system for every tear and moment of frustration that I've had. I totally love him in a new way and I feel like this process has made us stronger.. besides, we're in this together.

*The more "bumps in the road" that we have, the stronger and more patient we are becoming, which are great qualities to have as a parent. I feel like God is only preparing us and although stressful at times, He knows what He's doing and what's meant to be will be. God's timing may not be what I want, but His timing will be the best.

Something funny to laugh about, I was venting to a coworker today when I said, "Linda, I just feel like everytime I get my ducks in a row.." and she cut me off and said "..someone keeps moving the pond don't they." I thought it was hilarious and it immediately put me in a better mood.

Photos

2009-03-27T10:05:00.034-05:00

I wanted to post again, so I figured that I would add some pictures from our Honeymoon in Tennessee. We were married November 1, 2008 and were in Tennessee from the 2nd through the 9th. We had so much fun and I felt like we fell in love all over again.

This was our first breakfast in Tennessee at IHOP. I know I look terrible! Apparently after the wedding, my makeup got "cleaned up" with the rest of the stuff, so I had none for the whole trip.

Sitting on the side of the mountain; standing in the middle of two huge mountains.. after a long ride.

We spaced out our days to not spend too much time at the room.. but at times we just had to catch up on rest.. and hygiene. :)

Standing outside Wonderworks; the coolest place to go that was actually built upside down.

Inside Wonderworks. Obviously Bryan was way more successful at the rock climbing than I was. He definitely can't get away from his racing and the tunnel was literally spinning in circles.

At the Aquarium. It was so big in there.. it definitely helped fill our day. This place was really neat.

On the Sky Lift. We also had a picture taken of us on here.. I just need to scan it. This was a little scary, but the views were worth the ride.

At the car museum.. you know Bryan had to go there.

Just out and about, we traded camera taking time with another couple when we stopped here. :)

This is at the Dixie Stampede, Dolly Parton's dinner and a show. Kind of expensive, but well worth it. I want to go back.

Birthday

2009-03-26T14:05:00.004-05:00

So today I am officially 21 years old. It's kinda funny because the older I get, [not implying that I'm ancient or anything] the more I can see how different I've turned out vs. how I always thought that I would be. I've always imagined my 21st birthday partying it up and the things that most 21 year olds do.

However, today I've given much more thought to my actual birthday.. as in the day that I was born. It's crazy how much I've thought about babies lately.. must be from preparing to start a fertility treatment. Not to mention, I stayed up until 2:30am watching reruns of Jon & Kate Plus 8. [I love that show!] I almost feel like I should call my Mom up and tell her happy 21st anniversary from the day that she gave birth to me. I'm not even a Mother yet, but this birthday just seems different.

Of course, I don't remember the day that I was born.. but I just imagine what it was like. For the first time, I'm seeing my birthday [my time to party, eat cake and open gifts] as the anniversary of my birthday, what it really is. I guess when you've got babies on the brain, you view the world in a totally different way. I'm looking forward to celebrating a new birthday.

Also.. in case you didn't know: Calories do not count in a birthday cake. :)

Introduction to our story.. our lives.

2009-03-20T18:30:00.010-05:00

So, just a little bit about myself and why I decided to start this blog:

Bryan and I have been together since January 30, 2005 and were recently married on November 1, 2008. Although we've not been married long, we're ready to expand our family.

See right now, we have our two daughters, Dumplin' [who goes by KitKat] and our youngest, Georgia :). KitKat is our calico (sp?) cat who just turned 3 and Georgia is our malamute husky wolf dog who is going on 2.

When I was 15, I found out that I had small cysts on my ovaries but was told that it was no big deal. By the time I met Bryan when I was 16, I had gone a whole year without a menstrual cycle and was again told not to worry, just take birth control pills as it would help regulate my system. Over the course of 3 years, I put on 40 pounds. When I was about 19, I decided to see a different doctor as I had some pain in my lower left abdomen. I found out that I actually have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and that I had more cysts on my left ovary [which is bigger than my right one] and that it was just tender. I was put on more birth control as a helper for that.

Just recently, my doctor gave me the "go ahead" to quit taking birth control. He said that he would refer me to a fertility specialist for children but that if I wanted to be a Mom, I better go ahead and start as it would take me longer and be harder for me than for most other people. Bryan and I decided to schedule the appointment with the fertility specialist after our honeymoon [in Tennessee, which was awesome.]

About a week after our honeymoon, I had some cramps, swolen breasts, nausea, etc. So, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. It was the digital kind that says "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" and it definitely said "Pregnant." We were so excited that we got pregnant on our own and that it was meant to be. I called the fertility specialists and cancelled my appointment and things were exciting.. for a few days.

By the time, I got to the doctor for a blood test, it was all negative. I still think about it from time to time and think.. "By now, I'd be 4-5 months along." or "I wonder if it would've been a boy or a girl." But life kinda went back to normal.

I called and rescheduled my initial visit with the fertility specialist who gave me a lot of hope. She said that they deal with a lot of women w/ PCOS and my chances of a successful pregnancy were actually pretty high. See, most women with PCOS are extremely overweight and w/ the exception of a few things I need to watch, statistically, I'm considered "lean PCOS".. which works in my favor healthwise.

After testing, blood work, ultrasounds, etc.. the fertility specialist decided to put me on a birth control patch to help me ovulate and "clean out" for a few months before putting me on Clomid [a fertility pill.] I recently called her and asked if she would extend the birth control as Bryan and I are trying to get a few things together before getting pregnant.. she did.

Right now, we're in a situation. I should be starting the Clomid June-ish, but if I choose to extend the patch any more then she will refer me back to the gynecologist until we are ready for the Clomid. This means I will have to do all of my testing all over again which my insurance may not pay.

So, until June, I am trying to get as prepared as I can in determining if this is really the right time for us to have a family.. as much as we really want to. It sounds kinda crazy, but I've called and gotten a few prices on childcare services and things like that so I can try to see what we're looking at. My Mom has always told me.. "Miranda, if people waited until they could afford to have a baby.. people would never have babies."

See all of the women on my Mom's side of the family, including my Mom, had a hysterectomy at young ages.. when it comes to my family, the odds are against me. I kinda feel like my clock is ticking and if I don't take the chance now, while it is being given to me, then I will never be able to do this. Besides, I really feel like I'm ready.

So, today Bryan and I talked and we are definitely going to start trying in June. June-ish, I will quit using the patch and begin the fertility pills. Regardless of childcare costs, maternity leave from work, medical bills, etc.. we are just going to jump right in and make it work. If it's not meant to be.. well, then it won't be.

We're very excited [and anxious] about what the future holds for us but I know that God has a wonderful plan in store and we're ready to begin the [emotional, blessing, stressful, amazing, rollercoaster ride] adventure that lies before us. We're finally ready to make my dream of becoming a Mommy, Bryan's dream of becoming a Daddy, and our dreams of becoming a family.. true.