For the Custom of Women is Upon Me

Yay!! I know this is probably a weird post for you to read, but I just can't help but to be so thankful that my body is working. The Lord is answering my prayers. I've had doctors tell me that I am incapable of ovulating on my own without medications. I can't even remember the last time I had a visit from Aunt Flo that was not induced by medication. I am officially able to ovulate without medication.. which means, I CAN get pregnant. I realize that most people would not put this on their blog, but I don't care. It is definitely a wonderful day for me!

1 Samuel 1

So I have to admit that I got a little behind on my bible reading. Last night, as I was trying to catch back up, I read 1 Samuel 1. If you're interested, it's about Hannah and how God opened her womb to have a baby boy. I was really touched by this story. Oh and by the way, I've read Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Dueteronomy, Joshua, Judges, and Ruth and I'm working on 1 Samuel.

* * * The Birth of Samuel * * *
1 There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite.
2 He had two wives; one was called Hannah and the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had none.
3 Year after year this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the LORD Almighty at Shiloh, where Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli, were priests of the LORD.
4 Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters.
5 But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the LORD had closed her womb.
6 And because the LORD had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her.
7 This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the LORD, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat.
8 Elkanah her husband would say to her, "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?"
9 Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on a chair by the doorpost of the LORD's temple.
10 In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD.
11 And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."
12 As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth.
13 Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk
14 and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine."
15 "Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD.
16 Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."
17 Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him."
18 She said, "May your servant find favor in your eyes." Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
19 Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her.
20 So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the LORD for him."

* * * Hannah Dedicates Samuel * * *
21 When the man Elkanah went up with all his family to offer the annual sacrifice to the LORD and to fulfill his vow,
22 Hannah did not go. She said to her husband, "After the boy is weaned, I will take him and present him before the LORD, and he will live there always."
23 "Do what seems best to you," Elkanah her husband told her. "Stay here until you have weaned him; only may the LORD make good his word." So the woman stayed at home and nursed her son until she had weaned him.
24 After he was weaned, she took the boy with her, young as he was, along with a three-year-old bull, an ephah of flour and a skin of wine, and brought him to the house of the LORD at Shiloh.
25 When they had slaughtered the bull, they brought the boy to Eli,
26 and she said to him, "As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the LORD.
27 I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.
28 So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." And he worshiped the LORD there.

Thank You for Holding, this is Miranda..

Oh how I've so much to blog about! I know I've been a lazy blogger lately, but I've had so much going on. This weekend, I finally took time to spend with my band.. you know my Guitar Hero XBox band. :) I love that game!! I pretend like I'm good at it and I get to really dancing around and then Bryan walks in and I stand up straight and act like I wasn't just dancing like an idiot. I overheard Pat (our friend) say the other day, "Miranda takes this way too seriously." Haha!
So, I have a new job. Not by choice, I have been actively putting out resumes to find a new occupation. The Agent that I work for (did work for) advised us on October 1st that she would be retiring at the end of the month requiring that all staff prepare for new jobs starting in November. Some took an early retirement, but the rest have all found something new. So Friday was my last day at her office. There were a lot of tears shed, but we are all so blessed to have something else lined up. We had a really nice dinner at Bonefish Wednesday night and Friday was our last day. Although, I am sad to not be with the people that I have grown to love, I am excited about what happens next.
So I have to tell you about my new job. Starting tomorrow, I am going to be at an independent agency that specializes in homeowners and auto insurance. I am going to keep up my Life, Health, and Variable Annuity License, but I won't really need it here. He is basically a one-man show who needs someone in the office while he sells outside the office. I'll be doing everything from answering phones and filing to selling and servicing. I'm really excited about the diversity and independence of the job. I have three years of insurance experience, but this independent agency is a first for me. We'll see what happens.

So since I haven't been on any medications since we decided to quit the fertility treatments, I can feel the difference in my body. I've put on about 4 pounds, my face has been breaking out again, and I've been extremely fatigued. I took about a two hour nap yesterday and today. Normally, I can't handle too much caffeine and I've had coffee almost every morning during the week. Who knows.. maybe it's all in my head. I thought that the custom of women was upon me at one time, (haha) but turns out, I was wrong.. so that sucks. I've taken 3 pregnancy tests in the last month, all signs point to "NEGATIVE! - That's what you get for not treating your PCOS!" PCOS symptoms are very similar to those of pregnancy. Oh and the other day I took an ovulation test (which was also negative) and as I put the box back under the sink, (it comes as a multipack kit) I read something along the lines of "Women with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) may receive unclear results from this test." I was like.. "Well great! Baby, listen to this!" We should really buy stock in the ClearBlue Company.

So the best part of my day today is definitely that it is mine and Bryan's *One Year Anniversary! No, no special plans today, but I can't believe that it has been a year already! I love him with all of my heart and I feel so blessed to have him in my life. We are just hanging out at home together today, but he's watching the race, so I took a minute to catch up on this thing. He woke me up this morning and the first thing he said was "Wake up sleepy head." and as I was opening my eyes, "Happy Anniversary!" It was so sweet. It came up on us fast it feels like, but I don't feel at all like it was a hard year. I've heard that the first year of marriage is the hardest, but I don't feel like that's the case with Bryan and I. I mean, other people and circumstances have been hard on us, but we have worked together like a team and became stronger through it all. Thank you Bryan. I love you with every part of me.. forever and always.

Dalton Cole

Please accept my sincere apologies (so articulate, huh? lol) for not blogging about this sooner. Dalton Cole, my nephew, is finally here! He was born the morning of September 10th weighing in at 6 pounds 14 ounces. Enjoy the photos, he's so cute!

My brother, Cory and his girlfriend, Ashley.

Cory picked out Dalton, Ashley picked out Cole.

She looks great for just having a c-section!

I am the proud photographer of this one! In the hospital, the first time Cory held him. Dalton came out with a mohawk and Cory has one too. This was priceless.

We love Ashley and are so glad to have her apart of our family.

This was actually taken in the back room before my wedding.

Dancing in the rain. This is just too sweet!!

2nd Cycle - 5th Appointment

= 2nd failed cycle of Clomid. I must say that although I'm a little bummed that it didn't work, I'm also strangely relieved in a sense. I walked out of there today with a new found freedom, I guess you could say.

Although a baby is something that I want so badly, I'm not very well at performing under pressure. When it comes to the treatment, there is a lot of pressure to get your body working in time to not disappoint your spouse, your family, your bank account and yourself. I am learning that God is the ultimate controller of how things work regardless of how much we stress about it. [But it's just so hard to let things go that mean so much to you.] I'm learning though.

Anyway, we have decided to hold off on treatments until the first of the year while I will not be on any medication. Yes, that includes birth control. I've been on and off of it since I was 15 years old to treat my PCOS, so can you see how I feel somewhat free? Mrs. Terri said that if I have not had a cycle on my own by December, to call and she can prescribe some Progesterone (hormone) to help shed the lining of my uterus.. for the custom of women to be upon me at that time. :)

What is PCOS?

Courtesy of WedMD.com

What is polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)?
Polycystic ovary syndrome (say "pah-lee-SIS-tik OH-vuh-ree SIN-drohm") is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS may also cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it is not treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease. Polycystic ovary syndrome (or PCOS) is common, affecting as many as 1 in 15 women. Often the symptoms begin in the teen years. Treatment can help control the symptoms and prevent long-term problems.

What are hormones, and what happens in PCOS?
Hormones are chemical messengers that trigger many different processes, including growth and energy production. Often, the job of one hormone is to signal the release of another hormone.For reasons that are not well understood, in PCOS the hormones get out of balance. One hormone change triggers another, which changes another. This makes a vicious circle of out-of-balance hormones. For example: The sex hormones get out of balance. Normally, the ovaries make a tiny amount of male sex hormones (androgens). In PCOS, they start making slightly more androgens. This may cause you to stop ovulating, get acne, and grow extra facial and body hair. The body may have a problem using insulin, called insulin resistance. When the body doesn't use insulin well, blood sugar levels go up. Over time, this increases your chance of getting diabetes.

What are the symptoms?
Symptoms tend to be mild at first. You may have only a few symptoms or a lot of them. The most common symptoms are: Acne. Weight gain and trouble losing weight. Extra hair on the face and body. Often women get thicker and darker facial hair and more hair on the chest, belly, and back. Thinning hair on the scalp. Irregular periods. Often women with PCOS have fewer than nine periods a year. Some women have no periods. Others have very heavy bleeding. Fertility problems. Many women with PCOS have trouble getting pregnant (infertility). Depression. Most women with PCOS grow many small cysts on their ovaries. That is why it is called polycystic ovary syndrome. The cysts are not harmful, but lead to hormone imbalances.

What causes PCOS?
The symptoms of PCOS are caused by changes in hormone levels. There may be one or more causes for the hormone level changes. PCOS seems to run in families, so your chance of having it is higher if other women in your family have PCOS, irregular periods, or diabetes. PCOS can be passed down from either your mother's or father's side.

How is PCOS diagnosed?
To diagnose PCOS, the doctor will: Ask questions about your past health, symptoms, and menstrual cycles. Do a physical exam to look for signs of PCOS, such as extra body hair and high blood pressure. The doctor will also check your height and weight to see if you have a healthy body mass index (BMI). Do a number of lab tests to check your blood sugar, insulin, and other hormone levels. Hormone tests can help rule out thyroid or other gland problems that could cause similar symptoms. You may also have a pelvic ultrasound to look for cysts on your ovaries. Your doctor may be able to tell you that you have PCOS without an ultrasound, but this test will help him or her rule out other problems.

How is it treated?
Regular exercise, healthy foods, and weight control are key treatments for PCOS. Medicines to balance hormones may also be used. Getting treatment can reduce unpleasant symptoms and help prevent long-term health problems. The first step in managing PCOS is to get regular exercise and eat heart-healthy foods. This can help lower blood pressure and cholesterol and reduce the risk of diabetes and heart disease. It can also help you lose weight if you need to. Try to fit in moderate activity and/or vigorous activity on a regular basis. Walking is a great exercise that most people can do. Eat a heart-healthy diet. In general, this diet has lots of vegetables, fruits, nuts, beans, and whole grains. It also limits foods that are high in saturated fat, such as meats, cheeses, and fried foods. If you have blood sugar problems, try to eat about the same amount of carbohydrate at each meal. A registered dietitian can help you make a meal plan. Most women with PCOS can benefit from losing weight. Even losing 10lb may help get your hormones in balance and regulate your menstrual cycle. PCOS can make it hard to lose weight, so work with your doctor to make a plan that can help you succeed. If you smoke, consider quitting. Women who smoke have higher androgen levels that may contribute to PCOS symptoms. Smoking also increases the risk for heart disease.

A doctor may also prescribe medicines, such as: Birth control pills. They can help your periods be regular and can reduce symptoms such as excess facial hair and acne. An androgen-lowering medicine, spironolactone, may be used with birth control pills to help reduce symptoms even more. These medicines are not used if you are trying to get pregnant. A diabetes medicine called metformin. It can help control insulin and blood sugar levels and reduce androgen levels. This lowers your risk for diabetes and heart disease and can help restore regular menstrual cycles and fertility. Fertility medicines, if you are trying to get pregnant. It is important to see your doctor for follow-up to make sure treatment is working and adjust it if needed. You may also need regular tests to check for diabetes, high blood pressure, and other possible problems. It may take a while for treatments to help with symptoms such as facial hair or acne. In the meantime: Over-the-counter or prescription acne medicines may help with skin problems. Waxing, tweezing, and shaving are easy ways to get rid of unwanted hair. Electrolysis or laser treatments can permanently remove the hair but are more expensive. Your doctor can also prescribe a skin cream that slows hair growth for as long as you use it regularly.

It can be hard to deal with having PCOS. If you are feeling sad or depressed, it may help to talk to a counselor or to other women who have PCOS. Ask your doctor about local support groups, or look for an online group. It can make a big difference to know that you are not alone.

Just Being Honest

I've been thinking about posting this for about a month or so now but I didn't want it to come across in the wrong way. I appreciate ALL kind words of encouragement, and I especially appreciate ALL that are willing to even listen; it means so much to me. I also think that unless you go through infertility, you never really understand. Please know that I'm just being honest in my approach for better understanding on what is running through this brain of mine during all of this. I've noticed that with a lot of people I talk to, I get some of the same responses or questions and I know everyone is just trying to be nice so here is your personal invite into my world.

- "You'll get pregnant when the time is right and when God knows you're ready."

When the time is right, I believe that as well; BUT are you telling me that God thinks that kids are more capable than I am. I'm not saying that I deserve a baby any more than the next person but what about the people who don't have their shit together like me? What about the people who resort to abortion as a form of birth control? We're married, have a home, great jobs, and well capable and ready to have a child. Sometimes, I feel more so than some others.. yes. Just being honest. I'm not saying that if your not married or have the things that we are blessed with that you shouldn't have kids.. that's up to you. I'm just saying that I don't see how we're NOT ready.

- "Just enjoy your time together, you haven't been married a year yet."

Again, this is true. However, we've been together for about 5 years (since I was 16) and we've lived together for 4 years. This whole time, we've had unprotected sex (more than you wanted to know?) and I've only had one positive pregnancy test which ended in miscarriage. I know that some people who go through problems with getting pregnant go through this for much longer, but it's still hard and we've had PLENTY of time by ourselves. We want to move forward like most other couples do, is that wrong? I don't think so.

- "You can always adopt."

While I would love to save EVERY child without a home out there, we want to be given the chance to experience pregnancy like most everyone else does. And yes, I would consider adoption. I've done research and thought a lot about it. Some of my childhood friends were in the foster care system and it was extremely difficult until they were actually adopted. Bryan and I came to the decision (as I feel we are entitled to) to try the fertility treatment first and go from there. Adoption may be definitely be in the works for us later on.

- "Just quit trying and let it happen on its own. Don't stress out about it."

Going through the whole infertility experience, a lot is going on. Obviously your body is not as healthy as you'd like. The process of being on medications, off medications, trying new medications, trying more medications, it takes its toll. Not to mention, with every visit, prescription, blood work, ultrasound, etc is more $$. We already have about $1,500 to $2,000 (that insurance did not pay) into this whole experience. (Thank God for family that was able to help out!) You can't put a price tag on a child and I'm not trying to do that. I don't know about about anyone else, but for Bryan and I, that's a lot of money that we are hoping is going to make our dreams come true. To not stress about the bills and hoping that we get pregnant or making sure that we're saving for next month if this cycle is unsuccessful, is nearly impossible. Trust me, if I could loosen up a bit and lose the anxiety of the whole situation, I promise I would faster than a heartbeat.

- "What is PCOS?"

Haha. This answer requires a whole separate post.

- "How do you feel about the people around you being pregnant?"

This reminds me of a situation that just happened a few days ago. One of my best friends, my maid of honor, Cherie, found out that she's pregnant with her second child. She found out a few weeks ago but kept putting off telling me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. While I appreciate her concern, she is still my friend and as long as she's happy, I'm happy for her. And just like I told her, I'm jealous, but happy. :) So to Cherie, Congratulations! / With strangers that walk by that are pregnant or the waitress or whoever, I always notice them and can't help but to look at them. It reminds me of what I'm missing out on and I wonder how they feel, but babies are blessings and I just hope that they appreciate every moment of it.

- "How's the Atkins diet going?"

Yeah so that lasted a whole 3 hours maybe. Just kidding.. but not very long. Phase 1 is about 2 weeks long and I lasted almost a week. I couldn't use the bathroom (TMI?) for 3 days!! I don't just gorge (is that a word?) on food all day, but women with PCOS have a harder time losing weight and processing sugars. This is why a lot of women with PCOS develop Diabetes. It all correlates with your insulin levels and women with PCOS must maintain a very strict diet to reverse the endocrine problem. It is extremely hard and I still watch what I eat, but no I'm not going by the book as I probably should. Like today I ate half of a turkey club wrap for lunch. I'm very conscientious of what goes in.. and out. Haha!

So I think that's enough of Q&A for now.. next.

How embarassing! Last night, Bryan, Pat, Maria and I went to the Friday Fest where we were standing in line for Pizza. I made the following statement: "I want a piece of pizza but I kinda want some nachos." (Not that I was going to eat everything!) Well, the *bitch* in front of us who did that shirt that she was wearing NO justice says, "Are we expecting?" So before I really understood what she said, I was like "Yeah.. wait No." So she turns around with smile on her face and says, "I thought so!" I was so embarassed and tried so hard not to cry. If she would've said that to someone else, I would've wanted to punch her in the face, but I just wanted to run away. I was so humiliated. I told Bryan that it sucks because not only did she remind me that I'm a chunky girl who could stand to shed a few pounds but that I'm NOT PREGNANT! Double wammy! So, by the time it was our turn, I got a bottle of water and nothing to eat. I completely lost my appetite in embarassment. Ugh.. stills makes me mad!

Erica, I guess this is supposed to be you and I except you're smaller than me. :)

My cousin Erica texted me the other day saying that she just read every one of my blogs and found herself laughing and crying. Quite a few people have told me that they keep up with my blog and it means so much to me. My cousin Derek described me as being poetic and to know that my words are reaching others out there makes me feel really good. Thanks to all who are reading.