Dalton Cole

Please accept my sincere apologies (so articulate, huh? lol) for not blogging about this sooner. Dalton Cole, my nephew, is finally here! He was born the morning of September 10th weighing in at 6 pounds 14 ounces. Enjoy the photos, he's so cute!

My brother, Cory and his girlfriend, Ashley.

Cory picked out Dalton, Ashley picked out Cole.

She looks great for just having a c-section!

I am the proud photographer of this one! In the hospital, the first time Cory held him. Dalton came out with a mohawk and Cory has one too. This was priceless.

We love Ashley and are so glad to have her apart of our family.

This was actually taken in the back room before my wedding.

Dancing in the rain. This is just too sweet!!

2nd Cycle - 5th Appointment

= 2nd failed cycle of Clomid. I must say that although I'm a little bummed that it didn't work, I'm also strangely relieved in a sense. I walked out of there today with a new found freedom, I guess you could say.

Although a baby is something that I want so badly, I'm not very well at performing under pressure. When it comes to the treatment, there is a lot of pressure to get your body working in time to not disappoint your spouse, your family, your bank account and yourself. I am learning that God is the ultimate controller of how things work regardless of how much we stress about it. [But it's just so hard to let things go that mean so much to you.] I'm learning though.

Anyway, we have decided to hold off on treatments until the first of the year while I will not be on any medication. Yes, that includes birth control. I've been on and off of it since I was 15 years old to treat my PCOS, so can you see how I feel somewhat free? Mrs. Terri said that if I have not had a cycle on my own by December, to call and she can prescribe some Progesterone (hormone) to help shed the lining of my uterus.. for the custom of women to be upon me at that time. :)

What is PCOS?

Courtesy of WedMD.com

What is polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)?
Polycystic ovary syndrome (say "pah-lee-SIS-tik OH-vuh-ree SIN-drohm") is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS may also cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it is not treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease. Polycystic ovary syndrome (or PCOS) is common, affecting as many as 1 in 15 women. Often the symptoms begin in the teen years. Treatment can help control the symptoms and prevent long-term problems.

What are hormones, and what happens in PCOS?
Hormones are chemical messengers that trigger many different processes, including growth and energy production. Often, the job of one hormone is to signal the release of another hormone.For reasons that are not well understood, in PCOS the hormones get out of balance. One hormone change triggers another, which changes another. This makes a vicious circle of out-of-balance hormones. For example: The sex hormones get out of balance. Normally, the ovaries make a tiny amount of male sex hormones (androgens). In PCOS, they start making slightly more androgens. This may cause you to stop ovulating, get acne, and grow extra facial and body hair. The body may have a problem using insulin, called insulin resistance. When the body doesn't use insulin well, blood sugar levels go up. Over time, this increases your chance of getting diabetes.

What are the symptoms?
Symptoms tend to be mild at first. You may have only a few symptoms or a lot of them. The most common symptoms are: Acne. Weight gain and trouble losing weight. Extra hair on the face and body. Often women get thicker and darker facial hair and more hair on the chest, belly, and back. Thinning hair on the scalp. Irregular periods. Often women with PCOS have fewer than nine periods a year. Some women have no periods. Others have very heavy bleeding. Fertility problems. Many women with PCOS have trouble getting pregnant (infertility). Depression. Most women with PCOS grow many small cysts on their ovaries. That is why it is called polycystic ovary syndrome. The cysts are not harmful, but lead to hormone imbalances.

What causes PCOS?
The symptoms of PCOS are caused by changes in hormone levels. There may be one or more causes for the hormone level changes. PCOS seems to run in families, so your chance of having it is higher if other women in your family have PCOS, irregular periods, or diabetes. PCOS can be passed down from either your mother's or father's side.

How is PCOS diagnosed?
To diagnose PCOS, the doctor will: Ask questions about your past health, symptoms, and menstrual cycles. Do a physical exam to look for signs of PCOS, such as extra body hair and high blood pressure. The doctor will also check your height and weight to see if you have a healthy body mass index (BMI). Do a number of lab tests to check your blood sugar, insulin, and other hormone levels. Hormone tests can help rule out thyroid or other gland problems that could cause similar symptoms. You may also have a pelvic ultrasound to look for cysts on your ovaries. Your doctor may be able to tell you that you have PCOS without an ultrasound, but this test will help him or her rule out other problems.

How is it treated?
Regular exercise, healthy foods, and weight control are key treatments for PCOS. Medicines to balance hormones may also be used. Getting treatment can reduce unpleasant symptoms and help prevent long-term health problems. The first step in managing PCOS is to get regular exercise and eat heart-healthy foods. This can help lower blood pressure and cholesterol and reduce the risk of diabetes and heart disease. It can also help you lose weight if you need to. Try to fit in moderate activity and/or vigorous activity on a regular basis. Walking is a great exercise that most people can do. Eat a heart-healthy diet. In general, this diet has lots of vegetables, fruits, nuts, beans, and whole grains. It also limits foods that are high in saturated fat, such as meats, cheeses, and fried foods. If you have blood sugar problems, try to eat about the same amount of carbohydrate at each meal. A registered dietitian can help you make a meal plan. Most women with PCOS can benefit from losing weight. Even losing 10lb may help get your hormones in balance and regulate your menstrual cycle. PCOS can make it hard to lose weight, so work with your doctor to make a plan that can help you succeed. If you smoke, consider quitting. Women who smoke have higher androgen levels that may contribute to PCOS symptoms. Smoking also increases the risk for heart disease.

A doctor may also prescribe medicines, such as: Birth control pills. They can help your periods be regular and can reduce symptoms such as excess facial hair and acne. An androgen-lowering medicine, spironolactone, may be used with birth control pills to help reduce symptoms even more. These medicines are not used if you are trying to get pregnant. A diabetes medicine called metformin. It can help control insulin and blood sugar levels and reduce androgen levels. This lowers your risk for diabetes and heart disease and can help restore regular menstrual cycles and fertility. Fertility medicines, if you are trying to get pregnant. It is important to see your doctor for follow-up to make sure treatment is working and adjust it if needed. You may also need regular tests to check for diabetes, high blood pressure, and other possible problems. It may take a while for treatments to help with symptoms such as facial hair or acne. In the meantime: Over-the-counter or prescription acne medicines may help with skin problems. Waxing, tweezing, and shaving are easy ways to get rid of unwanted hair. Electrolysis or laser treatments can permanently remove the hair but are more expensive. Your doctor can also prescribe a skin cream that slows hair growth for as long as you use it regularly.

It can be hard to deal with having PCOS. If you are feeling sad or depressed, it may help to talk to a counselor or to other women who have PCOS. Ask your doctor about local support groups, or look for an online group. It can make a big difference to know that you are not alone.

Just Being Honest

I've been thinking about posting this for about a month or so now but I didn't want it to come across in the wrong way. I appreciate ALL kind words of encouragement, and I especially appreciate ALL that are willing to even listen; it means so much to me. I also think that unless you go through infertility, you never really understand. Please know that I'm just being honest in my approach for better understanding on what is running through this brain of mine during all of this. I've noticed that with a lot of people I talk to, I get some of the same responses or questions and I know everyone is just trying to be nice so here is your personal invite into my world.

- "You'll get pregnant when the time is right and when God knows you're ready."

When the time is right, I believe that as well; BUT are you telling me that God thinks that kids are more capable than I am. I'm not saying that I deserve a baby any more than the next person but what about the people who don't have their shit together like me? What about the people who resort to abortion as a form of birth control? We're married, have a home, great jobs, and well capable and ready to have a child. Sometimes, I feel more so than some others.. yes. Just being honest. I'm not saying that if your not married or have the things that we are blessed with that you shouldn't have kids.. that's up to you. I'm just saying that I don't see how we're NOT ready.

- "Just enjoy your time together, you haven't been married a year yet."

Again, this is true. However, we've been together for about 5 years (since I was 16) and we've lived together for 4 years. This whole time, we've had unprotected sex (more than you wanted to know?) and I've only had one positive pregnancy test which ended in miscarriage. I know that some people who go through problems with getting pregnant go through this for much longer, but it's still hard and we've had PLENTY of time by ourselves. We want to move forward like most other couples do, is that wrong? I don't think so.

- "You can always adopt."

While I would love to save EVERY child without a home out there, we want to be given the chance to experience pregnancy like most everyone else does. And yes, I would consider adoption. I've done research and thought a lot about it. Some of my childhood friends were in the foster care system and it was extremely difficult until they were actually adopted. Bryan and I came to the decision (as I feel we are entitled to) to try the fertility treatment first and go from there. Adoption may be definitely be in the works for us later on.

- "Just quit trying and let it happen on its own. Don't stress out about it."

Going through the whole infertility experience, a lot is going on. Obviously your body is not as healthy as you'd like. The process of being on medications, off medications, trying new medications, trying more medications, it takes its toll. Not to mention, with every visit, prescription, blood work, ultrasound, etc is more $$. We already have about $1,500 to $2,000 (that insurance did not pay) into this whole experience. (Thank God for family that was able to help out!) You can't put a price tag on a child and I'm not trying to do that. I don't know about about anyone else, but for Bryan and I, that's a lot of money that we are hoping is going to make our dreams come true. To not stress about the bills and hoping that we get pregnant or making sure that we're saving for next month if this cycle is unsuccessful, is nearly impossible. Trust me, if I could loosen up a bit and lose the anxiety of the whole situation, I promise I would faster than a heartbeat.

- "What is PCOS?"

Haha. This answer requires a whole separate post.

- "How do you feel about the people around you being pregnant?"

This reminds me of a situation that just happened a few days ago. One of my best friends, my maid of honor, Cherie, found out that she's pregnant with her second child. She found out a few weeks ago but kept putting off telling me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. While I appreciate her concern, she is still my friend and as long as she's happy, I'm happy for her. And just like I told her, I'm jealous, but happy. :) So to Cherie, Congratulations! / With strangers that walk by that are pregnant or the waitress or whoever, I always notice them and can't help but to look at them. It reminds me of what I'm missing out on and I wonder how they feel, but babies are blessings and I just hope that they appreciate every moment of it.

- "How's the Atkins diet going?"

Yeah so that lasted a whole 3 hours maybe. Just kidding.. but not very long. Phase 1 is about 2 weeks long and I lasted almost a week. I couldn't use the bathroom (TMI?) for 3 days!! I don't just gorge (is that a word?) on food all day, but women with PCOS have a harder time losing weight and processing sugars. This is why a lot of women with PCOS develop Diabetes. It all correlates with your insulin levels and women with PCOS must maintain a very strict diet to reverse the endocrine problem. It is extremely hard and I still watch what I eat, but no I'm not going by the book as I probably should. Like today I ate half of a turkey club wrap for lunch. I'm very conscientious of what goes in.. and out. Haha!

So I think that's enough of Q&A for now.. next.

How embarassing! Last night, Bryan, Pat, Maria and I went to the Friday Fest where we were standing in line for Pizza. I made the following statement: "I want a piece of pizza but I kinda want some nachos." (Not that I was going to eat everything!) Well, the *bitch* in front of us who did that shirt that she was wearing NO justice says, "Are we expecting?" So before I really understood what she said, I was like "Yeah.. wait No." So she turns around with smile on her face and says, "I thought so!" I was so embarassed and tried so hard not to cry. If she would've said that to someone else, I would've wanted to punch her in the face, but I just wanted to run away. I was so humiliated. I told Bryan that it sucks because not only did she remind me that I'm a chunky girl who could stand to shed a few pounds but that I'm NOT PREGNANT! Double wammy! So, by the time it was our turn, I got a bottle of water and nothing to eat. I completely lost my appetite in embarassment. Ugh.. stills makes me mad!

Erica, I guess this is supposed to be you and I except you're smaller than me. :)

My cousin Erica texted me the other day saying that she just read every one of my blogs and found herself laughing and crying. Quite a few people have told me that they keep up with my blog and it means so much to me. My cousin Derek described me as being poetic and to know that my words are reaching others out there makes me feel really good. Thanks to all who are reading.

2nd Cycle - 4th Appointment

Same old results, just a different day. Still no response to the treatments yet.

Normally Mrs. Terri would give it until today before she decides that the treatment is not working, however she is going to check us out again next Tuesday and see if I'm just a slow responder. Tuesday is the day that we see if I'm responding yet and if so, moving forward with trying to get pregnant OR to call this cycle quits and make plans for the next cycle.

Bryan and I are really not in a situation to keep doing this month after month so I think we have decided to hold off on the treatments for now and just kind of play it by ear.. save up some more money and strength to do this again later. You see I am already expecting bad news on Tuesday.. better than getting my hopes up I guess. So if it goes as expected, then we will pick it back up when we both decide we are ready to continue.

I was doing a little bit (well a lot bit) of thinking today and the conversation in my head is as follows. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, nice vehicles and the opportunity to try this treatment. What in the world makes me think that I am just supposed to get (as if I deserve it all) a baby out of all of this? I thank God for all that I have everyday but should I just quit asking and enjoy the things I do have? But then again, the Bible talks about "ask and you shall receive".. "the desires of your heart." I'm just so torn.. and confused.

I know that in everything I do, I should give thanks. I am so appreciative of what the Lord has done for me that I feel like I shouldn't ask for anything else. I also feel like I need to persistently keep my eyes on my goal to make it there one day. Does that make sense? Probably not but oh well.

So for something totally unrelated to "baby-making," Bryan and I have repainted the master bathroom and I LOVE it. If you like the greens, Green Tea is a gorgeous color made by Behr. It is now the color of our kitchen and our bathroom and I couldn't be happier with the way it turned out. Yay!

Something else Bryan and I have done.. traded HIS motorcycle for OUR new waverunner. I like that little "his-to-our" system.. works out nicely. :) It is so much fun and we've spent every weekend for the past two months (at least) at the lake or the beach. It has been so much fun, awesome exercise and better than paying for the tanning bed, that's for sure. Maybe I will take some pictures and post them soon.

2nd Cycle - 3rd Appointment

We went to the doctor again on Monday and still nothing impressive. At this point, we are a little disappointed but also trying to keep a calm mind and still look at the glass as half full without getting our hopes up. I guess that's all you can do.. to stay sane anyway. :)

We have started the Atkins diet (as of Monday) and obviously, no results yet. The Atkins for Life book is what we've been guided by so far. Mrs. Terri made me feel really good when she said, "I don't want you to watch your sugars to lose weight, because I think you look great. We just want to get your ovaries working."

She advised that PCOSers like myself, will see an improvement in their reproductive system before they will in their weight. So this could be very rewarding, although very hard at times. *Cookie dough and M&M McFlurry's are my weak moments.* :/

So, I've recently finished the book of Exodus and I've started reading Leviticus and still learning so much. I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm not just reading a fiction and that this stuff really did happen. I believe in the Lord with everything but it's still hard to comprehend some of the things that happened long ago. It definitely keeps my interest though.

Bryan's birthday party was this past weekend and I must say that it was a pretty good turn out. We had an adult-size inflatable waterslide and played on it all day. [He's just a big kid.] It was so fun! Tricia took some pics, so I will post as soon as I get them.

2nd Cycle - 2nd Appointment

Mrs. Terri told us that she wasn't too sure that this was going to be our month either. She spoke of how we are only in the "baby steps" of this whole process and it will take a lot more time. She said that if I were not pregnant in the next 6 months, she would not be too concerned because it just takes that long most of the time.

Here are some of the questions and answers we went over today. Questions by me, answers by Mrs. Terri.

Q: What are my chances of getting pregnant when I start to ovulate?
A: Well, 50% of regular fertile women who ovulate after 3 months, normally get pregnant. That leaves another 50% out there that get pregnant right away, not at all, or after 3 months.

Q: If I produce too many follicles at ovulation then they will stop the cycle to avoid having multiples since this would be my first child/children to have as normal of a pregnancy as possible. What is considered too many for you to stop the cycle? Because I would rather have 10 then none at this point and if it's a matter of twins, I would hate to stop the cycle if a successful pregnancy is possible.
A: I wouldn't feel comfortable going forth with a cycle if I saw that you have produced more than 5 mature eggs. At my age, if I produced 5 eggs, half of them are probably crap anyway, but if you produced 5 or more eggs, you could possibly have that many children. As long as I've been doing this though, I've only had one case where a woman actually got pregnant with more than 3 at a time.

Q: Just out of curiosity, how much does IVF cost?
A: Right around $7,500 excluding medications that go with it and no guarantee of success on the first try.

Q: If the only way to treat PCOS is with either a birth control pill (or patch) or with an ovulation inducing drug (fertility pills), then how will I ever get pregnant on my own without either one?
A: You won't. Some women who choose to not take either one, extreme diet and excercise has been known to reverse the endocrine problem and cause ovulation. Even in that situation, you should still be taking Provera to be able to bleed since PCOS (inovulatory) women do not get regular periods.

Now for those of you who don't have or understand PCOS, without treatment for the syndrome, testosterone levels increase, progesterone levels go down and that's when the hormonal imbalance takes place. Now if I were to go without a treatment (I've been on birth control since I was 15.), then I would start gaining more weight and probably have to start shaving my face. :) That's not something that I wish on anyone.. female anyway.

So, our next appointment has been changed from this Friday to Monday because she said that if I responded this month, it may be a slow response. I know my God is awesome though so we shall see. Thanks for reading.