KitKat's Vet Visit - Graphic!

I took KitKat to the vet today. For the last few days, she has been bleeding and what I thought was in a heat. Well, the other night I picked her up the bring her to the bedroom and when I went to go lay down, I had blood all over my shirt.. yeah, really gross. I thought that she would just get better and everything would clear up by the next day so I kept her in the big bathroom for the night.

This morning, it was a lot worse. I was talking to some coworkers who said that it was not normal, so I called the vet and they wanted to see her. About two months ago, she snuck out of the house and today I was thinking.. "what if she got pregnant and is trying to have babies now?" I mean, it's unreal how nasty it was.

The receptionist was like, "Ma'am, where is she bleeding from?" and I was like "Well, out of her hoohah.. duh!" :)

Well after a few x-rays, she's not pregnant.. but the doctor thought that she may have been. She said, "when you get home, look around to see if she had a stillborn delivery." This is so gross, I know. Our house is pretty much organized and everything has a home.. and nothing seemed out of place. I checked every nook and cranny and found nothing.

The vet also said that it may just be a urinary tract infection that she gave her medicine for but also said that everything on the x-ray showed that she is overall pretty healthy. If everything doesn't clear up in about a week, I have to take her back. Oh and she said that as far as the messy stuff goes [to put it lightly], keeping her in the bathroom would be fine for now and she will get herself all cleaned up.

Eww.. thank gaaaawd I'm not a KitKat.. poor thing!

Ugh, I think I'm depressed.

As if any of you care about my complaints, I really need to just vent.

I don't even know where to start, but I hope that the rest of the week gets better. I feel like I'm going crazy.. really. I kinda hope that it's this patch that I'm on, messing with my hormones or something, but I'm not sure. It's like I'll get really excited, then really depressed, and extremely irritable. Normally when I'm mad or annoyed, I never say anything, but lately I feel like I've had to apologize for my attitude more than I ever have.

NOTE: I can't stand it when people who are pregnant or are on medicine blame treating people like crap on their condition. DISCLAIMER: I'm not doing that.. I really feel bad about my moodiness!

During the work week, I am extremely busy with tons of people and things lined up calling my name. Trust me, I don't mind responsibility or jobs to do [better than nothing at all], but I feel like I've just been so overwhelmed lately. Saturday, I went into work from 8:30 to 5:30 just getting things done while the office was closed and when I came in to work yesterday, it was all piled up again. Not to mention, I am everyone's "go-to" person and all the favors here and there has been pushing my own job further down the line.

On the weekends, I basically just try to get some rest and things done around the house. Lately, we've been going to the lake at least once every weekend, but things around the house are getting backed up. I feel like once I'm home, I lose all of my energy. Keep in mind that I'm the girl when the bedroom is messy, I can't sleep in it.. but I have just been letting things go lately. But I must say that I don't live in a barn neither.. even on lazy days, I keep it somewhat tidy.

I also think [and I hope not] that I'm going through some sort of a depression or something. My anxiety has been like crazy lately [I mean weekly panic attacks] and a lot of tears have been shed. If you asked me why.. I would say "I don't know." It's so weird.

I am starting to feel really lonely too though. I mean I have my husband and all, but as far as friends go.. I don't really hang out with anyone anymore. Not because I don't want to but because we've all just lost touch. It's quite sad and another thing that I can't explain.

I don't know what's going on, but I'm not liking it. Mrs. Terri [my fertility specialist] said that if I've experienced anxiety and depression in my life then I'm more likely going to have postpartum depression [if I ever get pregnant] which definitely scares me. Then again, right now.. everything scares me, pisses me off, or makes me cry. Why not add something else to the list?

As I'm typing out all of my complaints and negative feelings, my husband and Georgia come walking in the door. [Georgia goes to work with Daddy everyday.. it's so sweet!] Bryan has picked me a bright pink rose off of our rose bush in the yard and he says, "Hey honey, this is for you!" Now I need to go cry.. haha.. really. :) I wasn't lying when I said my emotions have been really extreme.

The Faceless Baby

Since starting this whole fertility experience, I've had tons of dreams of being a Mom and having babies and all. Well everytime I dream of my baby, his/her face is always blurry. It's like I can never tell what he/she looks like. Most of my dreams are of girls.. but that doesn't mean I really have a preference.. either or both is fine with me.

A few nights ago I had this really crazy dream.. I mean it didn't even seem real. I went to the emergency room because I was really sick on my stomach and I told the registration lady that I think I may be having a serious problem. [I've been watching too much "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" on TLC.. love that show!]

So I was sitting in the lobby waiting to be called back and the next thing I know.. my pain just all of a sudden went away and right then, a nurse called me back. I went back and she took me to the nursery and looking through the glass she said.. "There she is.. there's your baby girl."

It was so weird, I remember thinking inside my dream.. "This has got to be a dream.. I didn't even have a baby.. this is not real."

Anyway, so I remember that this baby girl had a face. She had Bryan's lips, my eyes, a small nose and a head full of dark hair.. she was perfect! It was so cool because for the first time, I got to see this baby that I've been dreaming of.

I wish I could just talk to someone who interprets dreams or something because I just want to know all of the answers. Like, is the reason that I didn't deliver this baby in my dream a sign that I won't be able to do that and I will adopt a baby? And does this baby girl, who looks like Bryan and I, symbolize the baby that we will one day have and her looks are those on the inside as Bryan and I will raise and teach this baby? Is the reason for all the pain until the nurse called me back a way of saying.. "You may be hurting now or questioning Me now, but when all is said and done.. you will forever be grateful of the miracle I have blessed you with and in your eyes sheer perfection."

Of course, I woke up with tears, but so grateful for this whole experience that God has blessed us with. Even though I'm not pregnant yet, I know that He has a great plan in store for us and I'm so excited to learn and grow and just live this life He has for me.

In other news, as I'm wiping my eyes.. I spoke to Mrs. Terri [my fertility specialist] yesterday and just about everything is lined up to start treatment and monitoring for July 1st. Testing that has to be done before then is like one thing after another.. but we will get there. She's already getting together a calendar for us for when to wear and change my patch, when I should have a cycle, intercourse, etc. Anyway.. that's all for now, updates as we get them!

"Keep up the good work."

So today I went by my feritility specialist's office to give them a copy of my shot records from when I got the MMR done. Well when I walked in, there were no patients and Mrs. Terri was standing there. She was asking how everything was going. Basically, I was telling her that in the next couple of weeks I plan on having all of the money to her.

See, Bryan and I have been pinching every penny to pay my medical bills and to come up with Monthly Monitoring which is $500 per month and includes all fertility visits and treatment for the month paid in advance. I believe that we have it now.. just a matter of if we can handle the next couple of weeks without needing it for something else.

She's also trying to get me to lose a few pounds just to be healthy enough for pregnancy and to get myself back in good shape. I went on to tell her that I've been walking in the afternoons with ladies from work for about an hour at a time and I'm only required to do 30 minutes per day.

Although my eating habits aren't perfect.. they're pretty darn good. I drink tons of water and never really been a soda fan and I don't just sit around and eat a bunch of junk neither. What's kinda funny is that the other day I picked up a gallon of sweet tea from the dollar store and when I got home, I realized that I had accidentally grabbed Splenda tea. Mrs. Terri said that it was karma for trying to drink sweet tea to begin with. :)

The last conversation with my fertility specialist was not the best.. probably because I'm too honest [if there is such thing] and end up telling on myself. Today however, she basically told me that she was very proud of me for all of my hard work with my health and our budgeting. It made my day.. completely.

In the same sense for honesty, when I'm doing good.. I'm really doing good.. and well, you know the rest. If I'm not working out and eating healthy, I will tell you.. "Yeah, I'm pretty much slacking." But after our last conversation, I really wanted to get my butt in gear and now it's routine and actually fun for me to take my afternoon walk.. I even jogged a mile today!

She also gave me the option to start the treatment a month earlier on June 1st since she says that I'm ready. It was so reassuring and motivating to do what she said ["keep up the good work"] and to see how much closer we are to realizing our goals and dreams. Bryan and I are going to stick with our original plan to start the cycle on July 1st.. but I can't wait!

Ok, enough rambling.. I'm just so excited! But I will get back to eating my hot dog [singular] without the bun and ketchup of course. :)

What's going on?

Today I went and got the MMR shot at the Health Department so that took care of one more of the things on my "to do" list. Money is tight and fertility is expensive yet I'm so excited at how much closer we are to starting treatment. The shot wasn't that bad.. a little sting and a little expensive.. but if I were to get the Measles, Mumps, or Rubella during pregnancy, it could be fatal for the little one. So, it was definitely a neccessity and well worth the peace of mind.

I've been dreaming a lot lately.. nothing new.. but my dreams have been really strange. I can honestly remember up to 4 dreams the next morning. I've always been that way. It's extremely rare that I wake up and don't remember at least one. I also have really bad, scary and graphic dreams. It's been explained to me that it has a lot to do with what you eat before bed and levels of anxiety. We all know that I love a late night snack and anxiety is probably something that I will always deal with. So, one of my bad dreams the other night was that I was pregnant and my baby had been diagnosed with T18.

Because I've been doing a lot of fertility, baby and pregnancy research lately, I've come across a lot of interesting things. One of these things, I happen to come across by accident.. kinda. See, I like to Blogspot page jump, mainly because I'm curious and nosey, and I found this page dedicated to Mary Grace Summons. Mary Grace was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 (or T18 or Edwards Syndrome) while still in the womb. I've never in my life heard of T18 but since stumbling across her page, I have literally done hours of research out of curiosity and interest. Mary Grace only lived 7 short hours, but with T18.. she was very fortunate to have that long. My heart goes out to these families who are blessed with these miracles like Mary Grace but are also faced with a huge challenge (to put it lightly) on dealing with this situation. I was truly touched by this story and T18 babies and families have definitely been added to my prayer list.

Due to the fertility treatment, I have literally thought about babies and all things that go with them, 24/7.. which brings me to my next subject. Coincidences. You know how when you want to have a baby, you see a bunch of pregnant women and babies? Yeah, well it has been bad lately. I'm talking waitresses, people at the walking park, friends, check out ladies, etc. I only pray that it's part of God's plan for me to experience those same things.. I sure hope so. If not, I'm convinced it's a conspiracy. :)

So one more coincidence.. as I'm typing this, our local news report is covering a "Health Watch" story on birth defects. Also, I was watching "Deliver Me" on Discovery Health the other day and they mentioned T18.. like I said, something I would've never known about until recently. Maybe I'm just "overdoing" my research and just need to relax. I just fear that when/if the day comes and I am pregnant, that I will be uneducated or unprepared.

One last thing, I wanted to mention.. The Shack! If you do not have this book, please go out and spend the $15 to buy it. It is very well worth the money. I'm not much of a reader but I have been so caught up in this story and have found so many answers within myself through the character that I've always questioned. This book really just puts it out there and keeps me wanting for more. You may also go to the website: http://www.theshackbook.com/. I wouldn't mention it if I didn't believe in its message. Thanks Mrs. Terri for convincing me to buy it!