Just Being Honest

I've been thinking about posting this for about a month or so now but I didn't want it to come across in the wrong way. I appreciate ALL kind words of encouragement, and I especially appreciate ALL that are willing to even listen; it means so much to me. I also think that unless you go through infertility, you never really understand. Please know that I'm just being honest in my approach for better understanding on what is running through this brain of mine during all of this. I've noticed that with a lot of people I talk to, I get some of the same responses or questions and I know everyone is just trying to be nice so here is your personal invite into my world.

- "You'll get pregnant when the time is right and when God knows you're ready."

When the time is right, I believe that as well; BUT are you telling me that God thinks that kids are more capable than I am. I'm not saying that I deserve a baby any more than the next person but what about the people who don't have their shit together like me? What about the people who resort to abortion as a form of birth control? We're married, have a home, great jobs, and well capable and ready to have a child. Sometimes, I feel more so than some others.. yes. Just being honest. I'm not saying that if your not married or have the things that we are blessed with that you shouldn't have kids.. that's up to you. I'm just saying that I don't see how we're NOT ready.

- "Just enjoy your time together, you haven't been married a year yet."

Again, this is true. However, we've been together for about 5 years (since I was 16) and we've lived together for 4 years. This whole time, we've had unprotected sex (more than you wanted to know?) and I've only had one positive pregnancy test which ended in miscarriage. I know that some people who go through problems with getting pregnant go through this for much longer, but it's still hard and we've had PLENTY of time by ourselves. We want to move forward like most other couples do, is that wrong? I don't think so.

- "You can always adopt."

While I would love to save EVERY child without a home out there, we want to be given the chance to experience pregnancy like most everyone else does. And yes, I would consider adoption. I've done research and thought a lot about it. Some of my childhood friends were in the foster care system and it was extremely difficult until they were actually adopted. Bryan and I came to the decision (as I feel we are entitled to) to try the fertility treatment first and go from there. Adoption may be definitely be in the works for us later on.

- "Just quit trying and let it happen on its own. Don't stress out about it."

Going through the whole infertility experience, a lot is going on. Obviously your body is not as healthy as you'd like. The process of being on medications, off medications, trying new medications, trying more medications, it takes its toll. Not to mention, with every visit, prescription, blood work, ultrasound, etc is more $$. We already have about $1,500 to $2,000 (that insurance did not pay) into this whole experience. (Thank God for family that was able to help out!) You can't put a price tag on a child and I'm not trying to do that. I don't know about about anyone else, but for Bryan and I, that's a lot of money that we are hoping is going to make our dreams come true. To not stress about the bills and hoping that we get pregnant or making sure that we're saving for next month if this cycle is unsuccessful, is nearly impossible. Trust me, if I could loosen up a bit and lose the anxiety of the whole situation, I promise I would faster than a heartbeat.

- "What is PCOS?"

Haha. This answer requires a whole separate post.

- "How do you feel about the people around you being pregnant?"

This reminds me of a situation that just happened a few days ago. One of my best friends, my maid of honor, Cherie, found out that she's pregnant with her second child. She found out a few weeks ago but kept putting off telling me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. While I appreciate her concern, she is still my friend and as long as she's happy, I'm happy for her. And just like I told her, I'm jealous, but happy. :) So to Cherie, Congratulations! / With strangers that walk by that are pregnant or the waitress or whoever, I always notice them and can't help but to look at them. It reminds me of what I'm missing out on and I wonder how they feel, but babies are blessings and I just hope that they appreciate every moment of it.

- "How's the Atkins diet going?"

Yeah so that lasted a whole 3 hours maybe. Just kidding.. but not very long. Phase 1 is about 2 weeks long and I lasted almost a week. I couldn't use the bathroom (TMI?) for 3 days!! I don't just gorge (is that a word?) on food all day, but women with PCOS have a harder time losing weight and processing sugars. This is why a lot of women with PCOS develop Diabetes. It all correlates with your insulin levels and women with PCOS must maintain a very strict diet to reverse the endocrine problem. It is extremely hard and I still watch what I eat, but no I'm not going by the book as I probably should. Like today I ate half of a turkey club wrap for lunch. I'm very conscientious of what goes in.. and out. Haha!

So I think that's enough of Q&A for now.. next.

How embarassing! Last night, Bryan, Pat, Maria and I went to the Friday Fest where we were standing in line for Pizza. I made the following statement: "I want a piece of pizza but I kinda want some nachos." (Not that I was going to eat everything!) Well, the *bitch* in front of us who did that shirt that she was wearing NO justice says, "Are we expecting?" So before I really understood what she said, I was like "Yeah.. wait No." So she turns around with smile on her face and says, "I thought so!" I was so embarassed and tried so hard not to cry. If she would've said that to someone else, I would've wanted to punch her in the face, but I just wanted to run away. I was so humiliated. I told Bryan that it sucks because not only did she remind me that I'm a chunky girl who could stand to shed a few pounds but that I'm NOT PREGNANT! Double wammy! So, by the time it was our turn, I got a bottle of water and nothing to eat. I completely lost my appetite in embarassment. Ugh.. stills makes me mad!

Erica, I guess this is supposed to be you and I except you're smaller than me. :)

My cousin Erica texted me the other day saying that she just read every one of my blogs and found herself laughing and crying. Quite a few people have told me that they keep up with my blog and it means so much to me. My cousin Derek described me as being poetic and to know that my words are reaching others out there makes me feel really good. Thanks to all who are reading.