1st Cycle - 4th Appointment

= 1 failed cycle of Clomid. I must vent, continue reading if you wish. Whew! There has been so much going on lately that today just made for one huge emotional tornado.

First and foremost, I must say that my cousin, Lori, is in labor as we speak. If you don't remember in one of my previous posts, I went to Lori's baby shower not long ago and felt a baby, her baby, kick for the first time. Her baby girl, Izabella is on her way.. ready or not! I'm so very excited and happy for her and EJ, Bella's daddy. I'm waiting to hear back from family as we speak (or as I type) on her arrival. :) She's being born at the same hospital that I was born at in Douglas, GA.

Second of all, yesterday I watched Leland and Loretta, who are both 2 1/2 years old, and I didn't really have much time to think about anything. So when I got to work this morning, all I could think about was my Uncle Mike. The only person I've really cried in front of is my brother, Cory and my husband, Bryan. I will not cry in front of my parents. I love my Uncle Mike and all but I kinda feel like so many other people were closer to him, so this is my time to be strong for them and let them just grieve. My Mom called me at work today just crying about him again and I would not let her know that I was crying too. I just let her talk and remember different things that he did that made us laugh or smile. I'm hoping that I can continue to be strong when I get to Georgia tomorrow to be with the rest of my family. The visitation/viewing is tomorrow and the funeral is Wednesday.. not to mention Lori's in the hospital there with Bella on the way.

Lastly, when Bryan and I got to the doctor this morning, I had my ultrasound. Mrs. Terri looked at my right ovary and found about 35 small follicles but none that were big enough to release eggs (ovulation). She looked over at my left ovary and whispered to herself, "come on left ovary, give me some good news." Then I saw the look of disappointment on her face when she counted about 35 small follicles but none big enough for ovulation. At this point, I had so much emotional overload that I just lost it. She and Bryan both came up and gave me a big hug and just calmed me back down and I can't thank God enough for the emotional support. It was such a moment, like in a movie, that we all had tears in our eyes. She promised that she would help us have a baby but I was just completely nonresponsive to the Clomid 50 mg. She put me back on the Ortho Evra patch to "reset" myself until the next cycle starting August 17th. I told her that I knew it probably wouldn't work in the first month but that I just hoped for a miracle anyway.

The hardest part is feeling so torn. I have three best friends, Kristin, Cherie & Lacey. I have two cousins, Lori & Erica. I have two sisters-in-law, Ashley & Ashley. (Yeah I know. :)) I also have Katie, she's like a sister to me.

- Kristin has a girl, Becca, 3 years old.

- Cherie has a boy, Leland, 2 1/2 years old.

- Katie has girl, Loretta, 2 1/2 years old.

- Erica has a girl, Alyssa, 6 months old.

- Lacey has a boy, Brody, 4 months old.

- Ashley (Bryan's sister) has a boy, Michael, 1 1/2 month old.

- Lori has a girl, Bella, due for arrival any minute now.. literally.

- Ashley (Cory's girlfriend) has a baby on its way. He prefers the gender be a secret, but I know. :)

Not that you needed the illustration but I wanted to prove that I'm not exaggerating when I say that everyone around me as children. To all of these babies, I am Aunt Randa and they will always be my babies. I love them all more than words can describe but I am so ready to be at that point where I can be "Mommy!" I feel like I am the only one in the whole world that doesn't have a baby and because I want it so badly, I question what I may have done wrong. I know that God just has a different path for Bryan and I to take, and that's fine too, but I'm just so ready! I think I get so disappointed because we are trying to have a baby in the midst of everyone else having babies and being pregnant. So when we confirmed that this cycle failed, it just hit really really hard.

Anyway, thanks for praying and letting me vent and praying and reading and praying with us. :)

By the way, did you know that loading two 2 1/2 year olds into carseats when one needs to use the potty at last minute takes the better part of 30 minutes? During nap time, I fell asleep!