Tapping Out

Yep, you've guessed it.. I give up!!

I have consumed my whole life with trying to conceive ever since I had that positive pregnancy test and early miscarriage back in November. I've done so much research, reading and nonstop thinking about trying to have a baby that it has, emotionally, just drained me. The "On medication - Off medication - Testing - On medication - Blood work - Ultrasound - Off medication" has finally taken a toll on me in ever sense of the word.

I'm tired, I'm feeling depressed, I'm done! The anxiety has gotten way more than I've learned to handle and I feel like this is my time to stop.

I keep talking about putting it in God's hands and I'm doing just the opposite. I'm putting more trust in a treatment program that is just shy of killing me than I am in God who will either (a) bless me with a child the good old fashioned way like He did in the Bible with Rachel, Sarah and Hannah or (b) He will help me to be a better person without ever experiencing pregnancy, if that's the road He wants for me to take.

As I started this whole journey, I imagined this being my "baby blog" where I would post pictures of my pregnant belly and our baby as he/she entered the world. I wanted to be that blogger that documented each magical experience as life just happened with a smile on my face the whole way through. I wanted to be that glimpse of hope for every other person that was going through the same thing.

For not being as strong as I planned, I apologize. This is/has been a whole lot harder than I anticipated.

Some of you may be wondering what in the world may have happened to change my mind. That, I will not go into detail, but I think God has been trying to get my attention this whole time. I feel like if I just live life as it comes, things will happen on its own.

I will say that Bryan is my huge supporter and although he would like to continue with the treatment, he stands behind me in whatever I will/will not put my body through. With all of the stress, the poking, the testing, the anxiety and the medicines, I feel like this treatment would be a failure anyway if I'm too stressed out for my body to work properly anyway. His understanding does not go unnoticed and I love him dearly for all the "tag-teaming" we perform together.

Besides, with the treatment, it was so much harder to let go and let God. I still wanted to control the situation. I've saturated my whole existence into this and it was taking away from every other part and person in my life. To all of you, I am sorry.

To the Lord, please forgive me.. once again. I am so sorry for all that I've done wrong. I pray for strength, healing, understanding, and a positive attitude through everything. I want to live again. I want to be able to let go and let You have Your way in my life.. after all, You died for it. I owe so much to You and I ask for Your forgiveness for every moment that I have been less of a person than I could/should have been.