Same old results, just a different day. Still no response to the treatments yet.
Normally Mrs. Terri would give it until today before she decides that the treatment is not working, however she is going to check us out again next Tuesday and see if I'm just a slow responder. Tuesday is the day that we see if I'm responding yet and if so, moving forward with trying to get pregnant OR to call this cycle quits and make plans for the next cycle.
Bryan and I are really not in a situation to keep doing this month after month so I think we have decided to hold off on the treatments for now and just kind of play it by ear.. save up some more money and strength to do this again later. You see I am already expecting bad news on Tuesday.. better than getting my hopes up I guess. So if it goes as expected, then we will pick it back up when we both decide we are ready to continue.
I was doing a little bit (well a lot bit) of thinking today and the conversation in my head is as follows. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, nice vehicles and the opportunity to try this treatment. What in the world makes me think that I am just supposed to get (as if I deserve it all) a baby out of all of this? I thank God for all that I have everyday but should I just quit asking and enjoy the things I do have? But then again, the Bible talks about "ask and you shall receive".. "the desires of your heart." I'm just so torn.. and confused.
I know that in everything I do, I should give thanks. I am so appreciative of what the Lord has done for me that I feel like I shouldn't ask for anything else. I also feel like I need to persistently keep my eyes on my goal to make it there one day. Does that make sense? Probably not but oh well.
So for something totally unrelated to "baby-making," Bryan and I have repainted the master bathroom and I LOVE it. If you like the greens, Green Tea is a gorgeous color made by Behr. It is now the color of our kitchen and our bathroom and I couldn't be happier with the way it turned out. Yay!
Something else Bryan and I have done.. traded HIS motorcycle for OUR new waverunner. I like that little "his-to-our" system.. works out nicely. :) It is so much fun and we've spent every weekend for the past two months (at least) at the lake or the beach. It has been so much fun, awesome exercise and better than paying for the tanning bed, that's for sure. Maybe I will take some pictures and post them soon.
31 August 2009
26 August 2009
2nd Cycle - 3rd Appointment
We went to the doctor again on Monday and still nothing impressive. At this point, we are a little disappointed but also trying to keep a calm mind and still look at the glass as half full without getting our hopes up. I guess that's all you can do.. to stay sane anyway. :)
We have started the Atkins diet (as of Monday) and obviously, no results yet. The Atkins for Life book is what we've been guided by so far. Mrs. Terri made me feel really good when she said, "I don't want you to watch your sugars to lose weight, because I think you look great. We just want to get your ovaries working."
She advised that PCOSers like myself, will see an improvement in their reproductive system before they will in their weight. So this could be very rewarding, although very hard at times. *Cookie dough and M&M McFlurry's are my weak moments.* :/
So, I've recently finished the book of Exodus and I've started reading Leviticus and still learning so much. I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm not just reading a fiction and that this stuff really did happen. I believe in the Lord with everything but it's still hard to comprehend some of the things that happened long ago. It definitely keeps my interest though.
Bryan's birthday party was this past weekend and I must say that it was a pretty good turn out. We had an adult-size inflatable waterslide and played on it all day. [He's just a big kid.] It was so fun! Tricia took some pics, so I will post as soon as I get them.
19 August 2009
2nd Cycle - 2nd Appointment
Mrs. Terri told us that she wasn't too sure that this was going to be our month either. She spoke of how we are only in the "baby steps" of this whole process and it will take a lot more time. She said that if I were not pregnant in the next 6 months, she would not be too concerned because it just takes that long most of the time.
Here are some of the questions and answers we went over today. Questions by me, answers by Mrs. Terri.
Q: What are my chances of getting pregnant when I start to ovulate?
A: Well, 50% of regular fertile women who ovulate after 3 months, normally get pregnant. That leaves another 50% out there that get pregnant right away, not at all, or after 3 months.
Q: If I produce too many follicles at ovulation then they will stop the cycle to avoid having multiples since this would be my first child/children to have as normal of a pregnancy as possible. What is considered too many for you to stop the cycle? Because I would rather have 10 then none at this point and if it's a matter of twins, I would hate to stop the cycle if a successful pregnancy is possible.
A: I wouldn't feel comfortable going forth with a cycle if I saw that you have produced more than 5 mature eggs. At my age, if I produced 5 eggs, half of them are probably crap anyway, but if you produced 5 or more eggs, you could possibly have that many children. As long as I've been doing this though, I've only had one case where a woman actually got pregnant with more than 3 at a time.
Q: Just out of curiosity, how much does IVF cost?
A: Right around $7,500 excluding medications that go with it and no guarantee of success on the first try.
Q: If the only way to treat PCOS is with either a birth control pill (or patch) or with an ovulation inducing drug (fertility pills), then how will I ever get pregnant on my own without either one?
A: You won't. Some women who choose to not take either one, extreme diet and excercise has been known to reverse the endocrine problem and cause ovulation. Even in that situation, you should still be taking Provera to be able to bleed since PCOS (inovulatory) women do not get regular periods.
Now for those of you who don't have or understand PCOS, without treatment for the syndrome, testosterone levels increase, progesterone levels go down and that's when the hormonal imbalance takes place. Now if I were to go without a treatment (I've been on birth control since I was 15.), then I would start gaining more weight and probably have to start shaving my face. :) That's not something that I wish on anyone.. female anyway.
So, our next appointment has been changed from this Friday to Monday because she said that if I responded this month, it may be a slow response. I know my God is awesome though so we shall see. Thanks for reading.
Here are some of the questions and answers we went over today. Questions by me, answers by Mrs. Terri.
Q: What are my chances of getting pregnant when I start to ovulate?
A: Well, 50% of regular fertile women who ovulate after 3 months, normally get pregnant. That leaves another 50% out there that get pregnant right away, not at all, or after 3 months.
Q: If I produce too many follicles at ovulation then they will stop the cycle to avoid having multiples since this would be my first child/children to have as normal of a pregnancy as possible. What is considered too many for you to stop the cycle? Because I would rather have 10 then none at this point and if it's a matter of twins, I would hate to stop the cycle if a successful pregnancy is possible.
A: I wouldn't feel comfortable going forth with a cycle if I saw that you have produced more than 5 mature eggs. At my age, if I produced 5 eggs, half of them are probably crap anyway, but if you produced 5 or more eggs, you could possibly have that many children. As long as I've been doing this though, I've only had one case where a woman actually got pregnant with more than 3 at a time.
Q: Just out of curiosity, how much does IVF cost?
A: Right around $7,500 excluding medications that go with it and no guarantee of success on the first try.
Q: If the only way to treat PCOS is with either a birth control pill (or patch) or with an ovulation inducing drug (fertility pills), then how will I ever get pregnant on my own without either one?
A: You won't. Some women who choose to not take either one, extreme diet and excercise has been known to reverse the endocrine problem and cause ovulation. Even in that situation, you should still be taking Provera to be able to bleed since PCOS (inovulatory) women do not get regular periods.
Now for those of you who don't have or understand PCOS, without treatment for the syndrome, testosterone levels increase, progesterone levels go down and that's when the hormonal imbalance takes place. Now if I were to go without a treatment (I've been on birth control since I was 15.), then I would start gaining more weight and probably have to start shaving my face. :) That's not something that I wish on anyone.. female anyway.
So, our next appointment has been changed from this Friday to Monday because she said that if I responded this month, it may be a slow response. I know my God is awesome though so we shall see. Thanks for reading.
12 August 2009
2nd Cycle - 1st Appointment
Spoke too soon? So I must admit.. although my last post was exactly the way I was feeling at that time, I have yet again changed my mind. (This stuff really makes you crazy, I guess.)
I talked with a few close loved ones who convinced me that giving up on something we really wanted to do may not be the answer to my problems. Besides, what doesn't kill us will make us stronger, right? So we have decided to muster up enough (hmm what word goes here? everything!) to go forth with another cycle.
Our new cycle will be 100mg of Clomid for 5 days (starting Friday) and an HCG injection sometime in the next two weeks or so, I think.
We went in for our first appointment for this cycle today and so far, so good. We really won't know anything until our next appointment on Wednesday. At this point, there's about 21 small follicles on one ovary and about 25 smalls on the other. Also, for the custom of women is upon me. (Haha, read on.)
I've lost about four pounds, so that was good. Probably from all the swimming we've been doing lately. (NOTE: Maria and I swam across the whole Crystal Lake on Sunday.. yes, I was very proud.)
In other news, I have finished the book of Genesis and I started the book of Exodus yesterday. I'm very surprised at all that I'm learning. The New International Version just puts it out there and although it catches me off guard sometimes, it is something that I understand.
So get this, Genesis 31:35 (NIV) "Rachel said to her father, "Don't be angry, my lord, that I cannot stand up in your presence; I'm having my period." So he searched but could not find the household gods."
But the King James Version says, "And she said to her father, Let it not displease my lord that I cannot rise up before thee; for the custom of women is upon me. And he searched but found not the images."
I would have NEVER read, "for the custom of women is upon me" and knew what it meant. Call me crazy, but that's what I say now.. kinda funny huh?
Oh yeah, Sunday I went to Ashley's (my brother Cory's girlfriend's) baby shower and won a game. You would know that the game was about pregnancy and motherhood and having never experienced either one, it was quite funny that I won.. of all the moms that were there, including my own. Yeah I got two really cool hair clips. :)
I must also give a very special "thank you so so so so much" to Tricia. You are the best, I love you tons!, and I can't thank you enough for everything that you've done for us. You are God sent and the many ways that you show your love and care and understanding is just incredibly generous of you and I will forever be grateful. Thank you!
I talked with a few close loved ones who convinced me that giving up on something we really wanted to do may not be the answer to my problems. Besides, what doesn't kill us will make us stronger, right? So we have decided to muster up enough (hmm what word goes here? everything!) to go forth with another cycle.
Our new cycle will be 100mg of Clomid for 5 days (starting Friday) and an HCG injection sometime in the next two weeks or so, I think.
We went in for our first appointment for this cycle today and so far, so good. We really won't know anything until our next appointment on Wednesday. At this point, there's about 21 small follicles on one ovary and about 25 smalls on the other. Also, for the custom of women is upon me. (Haha, read on.)
I've lost about four pounds, so that was good. Probably from all the swimming we've been doing lately. (NOTE: Maria and I swam across the whole Crystal Lake on Sunday.. yes, I was very proud.)
In other news, I have finished the book of Genesis and I started the book of Exodus yesterday. I'm very surprised at all that I'm learning. The New International Version just puts it out there and although it catches me off guard sometimes, it is something that I understand.
So get this, Genesis 31:35 (NIV) "Rachel said to her father, "Don't be angry, my lord, that I cannot stand up in your presence; I'm having my period." So he searched but could not find the household gods."
But the King James Version says, "And she said to her father, Let it not displease my lord that I cannot rise up before thee; for the custom of women is upon me. And he searched but found not the images."
I would have NEVER read, "for the custom of women is upon me" and knew what it meant. Call me crazy, but that's what I say now.. kinda funny huh?
Oh yeah, Sunday I went to Ashley's (my brother Cory's girlfriend's) baby shower and won a game. You would know that the game was about pregnancy and motherhood and having never experienced either one, it was quite funny that I won.. of all the moms that were there, including my own. Yeah I got two really cool hair clips. :)
I must also give a very special "thank you so so so so much" to Tricia. You are the best, I love you tons!, and I can't thank you enough for everything that you've done for us. You are God sent and the many ways that you show your love and care and understanding is just incredibly generous of you and I will forever be grateful. Thank you!
08 August 2009
Tapping Out
Yep, you've guessed it.. I give up!!
I have consumed my whole life with trying to conceive ever since I had that positive pregnancy test and early miscarriage back in November. I've done so much research, reading and nonstop thinking about trying to have a baby that it has, emotionally, just drained me. The "On medication - Off medication - Testing - On medication - Blood work - Ultrasound - Off medication" has finally taken a toll on me in ever sense of the word.
I'm tired, I'm feeling depressed, I'm done! The anxiety has gotten way more than I've learned to handle and I feel like this is my time to stop.
I keep talking about putting it in God's hands and I'm doing just the opposite. I'm putting more trust in a treatment program that is just shy of killing me than I am in God who will either (a) bless me with a child the good old fashioned way like He did in the Bible with Rachel, Sarah and Hannah or (b) He will help me to be a better person without ever experiencing pregnancy, if that's the road He wants for me to take.
As I started this whole journey, I imagined this being my "baby blog" where I would post pictures of my pregnant belly and our baby as he/she entered the world. I wanted to be that blogger that documented each magical experience as life just happened with a smile on my face the whole way through. I wanted to be that glimpse of hope for every other person that was going through the same thing.
For not being as strong as I planned, I apologize. This is/has been a whole lot harder than I anticipated.
Some of you may be wondering what in the world may have happened to change my mind. That, I will not go into detail, but I think God has been trying to get my attention this whole time. I feel like if I just live life as it comes, things will happen on its own.
I will say that Bryan is my huge supporter and although he would like to continue with the treatment, he stands behind me in whatever I will/will not put my body through. With all of the stress, the poking, the testing, the anxiety and the medicines, I feel like this treatment would be a failure anyway if I'm too stressed out for my body to work properly anyway. His understanding does not go unnoticed and I love him dearly for all the "tag-teaming" we perform together.
Besides, with the treatment, it was so much harder to let go and let God. I still wanted to control the situation. I've saturated my whole existence into this and it was taking away from every other part and person in my life. To all of you, I am sorry.
To the Lord, please forgive me.. once again. I am so sorry for all that I've done wrong. I pray for strength, healing, understanding, and a positive attitude through everything. I want to live again. I want to be able to let go and let You have Your way in my life.. after all, You died for it. I owe so much to You and I ask for Your forgiveness for every moment that I have been less of a person than I could/should have been.
I have consumed my whole life with trying to conceive ever since I had that positive pregnancy test and early miscarriage back in November. I've done so much research, reading and nonstop thinking about trying to have a baby that it has, emotionally, just drained me. The "On medication - Off medication - Testing - On medication - Blood work - Ultrasound - Off medication" has finally taken a toll on me in ever sense of the word.
I'm tired, I'm feeling depressed, I'm done! The anxiety has gotten way more than I've learned to handle and I feel like this is my time to stop.
I keep talking about putting it in God's hands and I'm doing just the opposite. I'm putting more trust in a treatment program that is just shy of killing me than I am in God who will either (a) bless me with a child the good old fashioned way like He did in the Bible with Rachel, Sarah and Hannah or (b) He will help me to be a better person without ever experiencing pregnancy, if that's the road He wants for me to take.
As I started this whole journey, I imagined this being my "baby blog" where I would post pictures of my pregnant belly and our baby as he/she entered the world. I wanted to be that blogger that documented each magical experience as life just happened with a smile on my face the whole way through. I wanted to be that glimpse of hope for every other person that was going through the same thing.
For not being as strong as I planned, I apologize. This is/has been a whole lot harder than I anticipated.
Some of you may be wondering what in the world may have happened to change my mind. That, I will not go into detail, but I think God has been trying to get my attention this whole time. I feel like if I just live life as it comes, things will happen on its own.
I will say that Bryan is my huge supporter and although he would like to continue with the treatment, he stands behind me in whatever I will/will not put my body through. With all of the stress, the poking, the testing, the anxiety and the medicines, I feel like this treatment would be a failure anyway if I'm too stressed out for my body to work properly anyway. His understanding does not go unnoticed and I love him dearly for all the "tag-teaming" we perform together.
Besides, with the treatment, it was so much harder to let go and let God. I still wanted to control the situation. I've saturated my whole existence into this and it was taking away from every other part and person in my life. To all of you, I am sorry.
To the Lord, please forgive me.. once again. I am so sorry for all that I've done wrong. I pray for strength, healing, understanding, and a positive attitude through everything. I want to live again. I want to be able to let go and let You have Your way in my life.. after all, You died for it. I owe so much to You and I ask for Your forgiveness for every moment that I have been less of a person than I could/should have been.
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